Already I'm very tired of all the shopping in Singapore! What else is there? I need to get back to blogging. Needless to say, I wish for time for myself now too. Meet-ups tomorrow! Which is great. Went for gathering with my intern company today. Now just wasting a lot of time. It feels like that. I want my regular, charged life back! Charged up by things I need to do, and hopefully also want to do, at least a little bit. I'm gonna be happy meeting up with people. But it's a sure thing that while I'm busy adapting to being back here, I lose time for myself to catch up on what I've been doing. I don't want day-to-day shopping! I need to do some more. And I need to feel like I can catch up with my brain. Been going here and there, my brain is just running on ahead without my involvement now. xD

Merry Christmas, everyone.

I actually finished the entry I was planning to submit to this collection of works that is going to be entitled 'Coast'! I'M GLAD! Now I'm going to send it in!

It was kind of easier than writing a script.

Haven't been bothered to blog again! Anyway.

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."

- Emily Dickinson

Ta!

Go back to Singapore need to work hard hard loh!!!! Must do that... Must remember!! Must Jia You!!

Sigh okay. So my this semester results were average. So maybe I need some constancy in delivering results? So be it! Oh please God... For my first job, let it be at least a little bit fruitful! Oh, let me start my arduous process of learning in the 'real world'! Sigh... I am so full of crapz... But its what keeps me going... So yeah. Let me earn some money soon too.

I'm still definitely not the smartest around, so I better keep learning fast.

Taylor Swift's song "Superstar"! I became her fan on Facebook. Lol.

I like this song can. ^^

My teeny-bopper song fix of the day.

YARRRRGH, I'm bored.

Bored of packing. Still packing.

Don't want to go to school to scan passport and another document. But have to go sometime.

Yarrrrrh. I'm bored.

And the weather is now freaking hot.

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Mother, the 2009 Korean film, is a really well-written story. The way the development is handled. Wow.

Won Bin is awesome.

I have hair issues on most days. Itchy hands keep flattening it. -.- Grrrr. Lol.

Slightly neurotic people all have hair issues. Like Franz Kafka.

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Eeeeee. Supernatural Season 5 end episodes are boring. :(

Waiting for my movie to DL~

I wonder what made the ending eps of Season 4 seem much better! Must be hard to write a long-running show like Supernatural sometimes... For all it's worth, I will always love Supernatural! Can't wait to move on to S6.

I wrote a note to a friend on Facebook, sharing some of the thoughts/feelings I've had.

I wanna keep note of them here!

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I read the Alfian Saat story! Wanted to write you a note.. I'm packing stuff to ship home halfway, and I wanna get back to it, so I'd make this a quick note :P (A/N: Yah.. I lied. I always lie about the length of these notes of mine ^^)

1. In the short story, it feels like he wrote one of my daily night-time experiences! Looking out the window of my that 5 room HDB home in Singapore, and noticing the window on the right side of the block stays lit till quite late in the night like my own!

2. He wrote about his mother yeah... Personal touch much? Think his stories read like they're quite auto-biographical... But I know from his Facebk wall that him and his mum seem like a funny pair.. Haha.. But I just think the mode of his stories read like they're half auto-biographical..

3. I don't seem to want to write like half auto-biographical stuff myself for the moment! Any authors you like to learn the style of writing from? Some people think in order to learn how to write, we should write like the authors we like. But that would seem unoriginal..

4. I'm still really into fiction drama type things. Like packing real life stories into one drama. I even like docudramas. I think they can be lovely! Like knowing how in making a film, you're never totally honest, but still I think that kind of dishonesty can be made honest. :P Like some famous guy said before that art is a lie that aims to tell the truth? =p

5. I like reading local fiction / watching local films on an alternate basis. Singapore stories have a lot of soap drama, but they can really get us to connect with the 'heart' of the stories sometimes. So glad you're into local fiction!

Well, I was packing right. And I came across my old stuff, some of the stuff my mum gave to me. They're outdated already.. It's weird, but I have like a mini Prada bagpack and some old necklaces my mum gave me. Yeah, that sort of stuff which would seem a little antique. The Prada bagpack actually does look sort of antique to me! It's pretty good and simple, not like something a Guess bag would look like.

Anyway. Looking at those stuff - It feels kinda disconnected. It's like those stuff can't be bought in shopping centres today kind of feeling. Like "what is these stuff doing in my cupboard at all?" kind of feeling. Of course, I still keep the stuff. But it's not like they have any 'real' practical purpose for me anymore, not like I actually use those stuff. Those stuff are kept for another reason, I reckon. Sentimental much?

Can't really say so.. But I just thought, looking at those little stuff, they look like they're from another era.

I don't know how to sentimentalize about my mum. I won't see her anymore. It just feels weird... I haven't even been exactly fillial enough to have had one proper dream of her. But I remember one small one. Which wasn't full-on sentimental either, it was just a small glimpse of her I guess.

How does one even think of a mum who has gone away?

That's why for now, I won't even really try to write about my mum, my life in brief or what not. Some people 'create' little fiction stories every minute of their lives. Like microblogging. But I rather work on the 'big' thoughts, instead of rushing to create every little thing. I don't know... I guess I believe that this thing called realization or whatever it's called... It grows with one... Nowadays everyone can be a writer what not, don't you think. But I really just think that not all of the time, one can write something that really captures what a person is like?

Maybe it's because I've done film projects, I realize that working with whatever people and resources you have at the moment is the best thing one can do. But, it still is very important to keep working on one's 'big personal story', sort of.

When a person is able to create stuff that is connected with oneself, instead of doing it for commercial purposes or for the purpose of riding the cultural wave of the moment (lol), I think that's when an author is born. :P An author who knows how to write about what's human perhaps.

I've been wanting to check out my old photos and home videos when I get back to Sg! My brother did that before me... Maybe now I should finally take that 'memory trip' too! Those old videos will probably be damn good and amusing to look at.

And maybe if there's one short fiction about me I could write right now, it would be about how I was just thinking the other night, how I came to see why my definition of education is not restricted to grades and school at all.

It randomly came to me, you know... Scene at the Tan Tock Seng or something.. My dad and bro and me sitting with the doctor.. I don't like the doctor at all.. She said some stuff about my mother being sick, and I remember the scene and all.. Whatever she said just seemed like little, little details.. When what's more serious is that my family had to cope right.. And I was just at that kind of age.. Not knowing how meds could make a person have mood swings.. And my mum certainly had mood swings alright.. Now I'm watching shows and what not, and in those shows, they talk about how meds cause mood swings..

And it's funny.. I never got 'educated' that meds cause a person to become sick like that.. I was not mature enough at the age, and I wonder why I couldn't have learnt to see how cancer and meds have be dealt with in a more caring way.. Guess I think I could have done more.. I was just such a kid, and it was over all too soon..

And all that time, I only had the silly O and A levels to bother myself with... Why can't our parents explain these things more to us, you think? These things which are definitely so much more important than the O and A levels.

Now, I'm randomly thinking of Supernatural. Hah. Because it also has a Dad in the story, who was trying to do the best for his kids and all, but he tells them way too much. It's a great drama. Lol.

Hope you don't mind I'm dumping my little 'epiphany' here! Why I am fed up with the so-called 'education' I received in Singapore. Even though I met really fun people like you guys in MI. :D

Have you ever thought about any of the above?

Why in the world do so many people get sick in Singapore? Why do so many people there lose the fight to sickness? What's with all that stupid stress, and tiny little spaces that all the people in Singapore get caught up in. The domestic tragedy in Sg is just so hard to believe sometimes.

The boredom in me is urging me (while I now have the time) to write another fiction story of epic proportions.

If I can make this a fulfilling longer-term project, why not? While I have a bit of time right now.

I just went and saw Harry Potter 7! It was actually... Okay. It was kinda good.

My mind doesn't get blown that easily anymore. Hah.

Still, the movie is good.

But, now, I wanna write.

I don't know how much time I can spare, but I think I might wanna work on some short and one long piece at the same time.

Three years. Hell man, three years.

It has been relatively good.

Because I can remember it all quite fondly.

Unlike my CNA days. -_-

For which I have nothing to remember at all. And didn't learn a thing at all. Except that some people just like to waste my time, and worst, they waste their time. If they know how not to waste their time, they wouldn't want to waste mine. Lol.

I'm just thinking about my next job.

I'm just trying to make something out of myself.

I'm happy with the people I'm around in Singapore, you know.

But that doesn't count the general population. -.-

Only a few people who are important to me.

Somehow I'm getting myself ready to feel crushed in Singapore.

And bored to hell.

But I won't go down without a fight this time.

Now I know that I am capable of putting up a good fight.

Haha.

Nobody is going to tell me that I'm not capable of doing something extraordinary this time.

I look back at some of those years of education I've had, and they don't even mean shit to me. :P

Only the person I have become means something.

And in the years ahead, no matter how people might try to bear me down and bore me to hell, I now have the ability to recognize that I don't have to get hung up on everybody else's perspectives.

I have my own perspective, and if some people are just stubbornly blind to other people's perspectives, then I will know that I do not have to waste time with them because my time is only going to those who care about my perspective and allow and even encourage me to have a view of my own.

Okay, I'm tired! Off to movie in bed, before hitting the sack.

I think I need another escape plan. Two years later or so.

And I'm finally playing my Nintendo DS again! Getting brain training what not.

Trying to get more new games. Just spied a Spongebob Squarepants one. Lol, it looks cuuute.

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I just saw the Grey's Anatomy DS game, and now I'm searching for more of such cool stuff like crazy. Lol.

And Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Yesiree. I just got programs to unzip every possible format for the archived folders from the DS sites. Can't stop me now.

Everything works now. YES.

I haven't been blogging! Busy watching shows!

Update to my list of to-watch TV Shows:

Supernatural
Prison Break
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Doctor Who
Vampire Diaries
Mad Men
Dexter
Six Feet Under

I'm madly devouring films at the moment!

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I'm starting with packing my books first!

My God. Whenever I flip through notebooks I've filled with research I've done for my student films, I can't tell you exactly how it makes me feel.

It makes me feel good.

I just flipped through the notebook I filled with research on the morgue documentary I did last year. Plus generative thoughts I wrote to myself whenever I got stuck with a problem.

When will be the next time I fill a notebook with research like that. Tell me when.

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And now I've just looked through my emo writings from Year 1, when I first came to Melbourne. Lol. They're just rants basically. The time when I started asking the basic questions of Who am I, Why do I have to socialize with people, Am I changing, What do I do with these thoughts now that I have a mind, What am I doing here, and so on and so forth.

I'm past that now. I don't care about what everybody thinks of me. I only care about what some people think of me. And I know how people and things work. Slightly better than before anyway. And I know what to do with my time, and what to do with myself. Lol. This being called 'Me' - I believe I know it better now. Guess I've developed a slightly better sense of direction now.

I don't know how I made it here. But I did.

:]

Imagine the people who never get past the basic questions. To never understand what one could do, but to be just doing stuff all the time. Don't lead a life under an invisible puppet-master, man.

Now, I think I actually like to turn moments when I am emo into an expression. Because this ability to think and feel, you just have to deal with it once you realize it is there. Does this come with age? When did it all start for me? In 2008, the year I first came to Melbourne? It wasn't easy, but somehow now I know how thoughts and feelings are a pain in the ass (not so dramatic for me as it is in the TV shows though), but you don't just whine about them.

With the passing years, you just realize that you actually have to attach words and actions to your thoughts and feelings. That's when you're not just some dumb kid anymore.

But some of us still cling on to our right to be kids. Yes, it's our right. Why should we be forced to grow up in every single way.

So, to all fellow kids out there, the ones who are now old enough to understand what I'm trying to say here...

Playtime is entering a different level now.

Go make something of yourselves.

"The more you live a certain way, the less it feels like freedom."

- Movie, I'm Not There

Wow. This movie calms me. Bob Dylan's music-inspired film. His music is always... I don't know how to say it! It makes one just fall silent - and listen. To his music, to his lyrics.

Great movie.

It's not just all calming... It's like... You kind of accept what is said about life in the movie, what the people say. The characters are based on real-life people. Who kind of become celebrities. But, at the end of the day, the film is really just about these people as people. Not as celebrities. That's real. That's not lies. These 'celebrities'... They're just people, aren't they. Not all of them are just trying to sell us something. Some people really try to be singers, and they end up being sold as commodities. And the movie actually shows how it can be kind of sad. Trying to avoid one's 'art' becoming some kind of product. And what is 'art' anyway? These people are really just people. And people like Bob Dylan make something more out of their lives which some other people will never bother to do. Dylan just likes to sing, and sadly because of how good he becomes at it, people never leave him alone and let him be.

This is a GOOD movie. Such a great portrait-painting kind of movie. I enjoy it much more than Walk The Line. I don't remember enjoying Walk The Line too much. It's a Hollywood drama based on Johnny Cash's life, but maybe they should have done it in a less fictional mode.

Sigh, I really love Supernatural.

Lol.

Fantastic, fantastic writing. Geesus.

Gotta get me hooked on more shows.

But this one by far... Has been so, so SATISFYING.

:P

Skipped one movie night for TV series night tonight. Full speed ahead!

Second half of Season 4 gets really GOOD.

'O brothers, who amid a hundred thousand
Perils,' I said, 'have come unto the West,
To this so inconsiderable vigil
Which is remaining of your senses still
Be ye unwilling to deny the knowledge,
Following the sun, of the unpeopled world.
Consider ye the seed from which ye sprang;
Ye were not made to live like unto brutes,
But for pursuit of virtue and of knowledge.'
So eager did I render my companions,
With this brief exhortation, for the voyage,
That then I hardly could have held them back.
And having turned our stern unto the morning,
We of the oars made wings for our mad flight,
Evermore gaining on the larboard side.
Already all the stars of the other pole
The night beheld, and ours so very low
It did not rise above the ocean floor.
Five times rekindled and as many quenched
Had been the splendour underneath the moon,
Since we had entered into the deep pass,
When there appeared to us a mountain, dim
From distance, and it seemed to me so high
As I had never any one beheld.
Joyful were we, and soon it turned to weeping;
For out of the new land a whirlwind rose,
And smote upon the fore part of the ship.
Three times it made her whirl with all the waters,
At the fourth time it made the stern uplift,
And the prow downward go, as pleased Another,
Until the sea above us closed again."

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXVI

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While I was still the form of bone and pulp
My mother gave to me, the deeds I did
Were not those of a lion, but a fox.
The machinations and the covert ways
I knew them all, and practised so their craft

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXVII

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And thou shalt see I am Capocchio's shade,
Who metals falsified by alchemy;
Thou must remember, if I well descry thee,
How I a skilful ape of nature was.

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXIX

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When him I heard in anger speak to me,
I turned me round towards him with such shame
That still it eddies through my memory.
And as he is who dreams of his own harm,
Who dreaming wishes it may be a dream,
So that he craves what is, as if it were not;
Such I became, not having power to speak,
For to excuse myself I wished, and still
Excused myself, and did not think I did it.

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXX

Omg, this dream speech is brilliant. So reminds me of the Supernatural episode, What Is and What Should Never Be too.

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This one is Nimrod, by whose evil thought
One language in the world is not still used.
Here let us leave him and not speak in vain;
For even such to him is every language
As his to others, which to none is known.

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXXI

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Here it is morn when it is evening there;
And he who with his hair a stairway made us
Still fixed remaineth as he was before.
Upon this side he fell down out of heaven;
And all the land, that whilom here emerged,
For fear of him made of the sea a veil,
And came to our hemisphere; and peradventure
To flee from him, what on this side appears
Left the place vacant here, and back recoiled."
A place there is below, from Beelzebub
As far receding as the tomb extends,
Which not by sight is known, but by the sound
Of a small rivulet, that there descendeth
Through chasm within the stone, which it has gnawed
With course that winds about and slightly falls.
The Guide and I into that hidden road
Now entered, to return to the bright world;
And without care of having any rest
We mounted up, he first and I the second,
Till I beheld through a round aperture
Some of the beauteous things that Heaven doth bear;
Thence we came forth to rebehold the stars.

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXXIV (Last Act)

I wonder... Sometimes I feel like printing photos! Yeah, I feel like doing that very much. So I can actually have those photos in my hands. Beats just having them on the computer. Would be good to have a collection of sorts. And I'd print any strange photo I have taken, doesn't have to be photos of anything specific. But like the kind of photo I took without exactly knowing why, but I just know that the photo will turn out looking nice and interesting.

Yeah, maybe I just want to be there "in the moment", and capture it right while I'm there. That's what I want to do when I take photos? I'm not sure.

I'm all for naturalism. And just only tweaking it in terms of perspective.

My photos aren't very professional. But anyway. I would like to print them gradually, and with them put together, I hope to see there's some kind of interesting vibe going on there.

Watching Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones yesterday also makes me feel like doing this! The girl in the film prints her photos, and she's such a lovely story character too.

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My Master said; "for sitting upon down,

Or under quilt, one cometh not to fame,

Withouten which whoso his life consumes

Such vestige leaveth of himself on earth,

As smoke in air or in the water foam.

And therefore raise thee up, o'ercome the anguish

With spirit that o'ercometh every battle,

If with its heavy body it sink not."

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXIV

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Supernatural Season 4 feels a tad draggy! But I still love the creator of the show. Can't wait to see the angel Castiel feature more. He's a mixed up one. :D And seems like he's struggling to understand how to be good too. Whoo. So hot.

Lol.

"I'm too serious to be an amateur, but not enough to be a professional. A more miserable life is better, believe me, than an existence protected by an organized society, where everything is calculated, everything is perfect."

- La Dolce Vita

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I'm in the mood to write Supernatural fanfiction! Just a one-shot quick short story kind of thing. Hmm, wonder if I should waste time on that now. Hah. Just because it's unfair the way they've treated the character of Ruby! So wasted her good potential. I think she's gonna turn bad. Which is only natural. But I still feel like she could have turned out good.

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"How very cautious men should be

With those who not alone behold the act,

but with their wisdom look into the thoughts!

...

Aye to that truth which has the face of falsehood,

A man should close his lips as far as may be,

Because without his fault it causes shame"

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XVI

Oh my Gad, Oh my Gad. I am being blown away again.

The abridged version of Dante's Inferno, as read aloud by Heathcote Williams - It's brilliant.

The language is more modern, and yet this story - It's blowing my mind right now.

This book, Dante's Inferno, is a classic for a reason.

It's like a movie running in my head now, and it sure provides material to excite the brain. I'm not trying to develop tastes for paganism or anything like that, but this - This kind of classic story and imagery... Is way awesome.

It's of epic proportions. Think Shakespeare. Think big questions. This kind of stuff is truly good material for the stage. The theater of the mind.

It's all very interesting.

It's about Man. It's about Good, and Evil. It's so not pagan. u_u

It's about all that Man can be, in fact. That's why it's a classic. I love it when Man gets to rant about choosing between Good and Evil, and all that heroic crap. :)

I like stories about human nature.

Can I possibly become a writer or something along that line?

Is this a phase? Or do I really only like writing stuff; being on the creative side of things?

Okay, stop blogging. Going back to the CD, hey.

Anyway, because I'm sort of on break now, I'm gonna get my hands on all these movies and books which I normally don't have time to consume. :)

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"When thou shalt be before the radiance sweet

Of her whose beauteous eyes all things behold,

From her thou'lt know the journey of thy life."

- Dante's Inferno, Canto X

Referring to the original text online while listening to the abridged modern version actually takes me through the book a whole lot faster and easier. I'm one-third through it.

I love PLAYING DETECTIVE!

Whee!

Seriously, I do.

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I think, for a truly great film, Character has to be stronger than Story.

La Dolce Vita a turning point in cinema: Scorsese

But unless it's like Baz Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet, or The Motorcycle Diaries or something. Where spectacle also blows you away.

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Wow. I like this cartoon. Lol.



I think it's funny kinda like how the evil bunny is funny. So cute!!! But watch out for the evilness swirling around its feet. Hahah

Look at those white eyes. Looks like the Winchester brothers have some exorcising to do.

Plus I love that he's the Monkey King!

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I'm reading Dante's Inferno again. Could never get through it. Still can't! I'm reading it in the form of an audio book this time. Chance find at RMIT Library. Never appreciated audio books better!

I'd bet that Supernatural writers refer to Dante's Inferno for inspiration all the time.

I actually found some of the pictures they used in the show in the booklet that comes with the audio CD.

And I just found that there is the use of the name Rubicante in Dante's Inferno. That figures! Ruby's name on Supernatural.

Andrew Garfield, you're so good! Jesse Eisenberg, so are you. :)

I knew I was onto something when I discovered Andrew Garfield from The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. And now he's the new Spiderman. Attaboy. Lol.

Fincher, love you as always. The scriptwriter, Aaron Sorkin, also deserves credit.

Talking about The Social Network.

Vheeee... I think I'm going out for another movie later tonight! Still have got movie kaki here. :D

Catch up later, bloggie!! Haven't talked to friends in Sg for some time, and will get to that soon :) It's harder when I can't actually meet them.. Well, going back home soon anyway!

Going off now.

And I don't like to post such updates about myself going out on Facebook, coz I prefer just updating my movies list there :P Not like I have different play dates to post about all the time, so yah anyway, Ciaoz

Steven Soderbergh's film Sex, Lies and Videotape is a VERY SEXY film.

In a very good way.

It's so not a dirty film. It actually makes sex look good. Yeah well, sex is not explicit in the film at all. On the other hand, porn doesn't make sex look good. Porn is a load of crap. :)

I have a new found admiration for Soderbergh's work! Couldn't get through Crash the first time, and nope, it's not that Crash with the Oscar wins? Don't know if I'll ever try watching Soderbergh's Crash proper again. But he's pretty good. The real kind of filmmaker, so to speak. And he has another even more famous film called Traffic, which I haven't seen but I will.

This month is my one time to watch all sorts of movies! Full speed ahead!

And yet, maybe I do want to go back to Singapore and start work. But - NOT RIGHT NOW! I have NOT had enough of watching my movies yet. Heck, I just started tonight! 2 movies down in one night.

And how could anyone stand porn? Porn is boring. Lol.

Only idiots get sucked into it. That term is probably really applicable to those who can't get themselves out of it. Grrrroooow up. Can't face up to their own man/womanhood. (=_=)

Watch movies. Don't watch porn. If you don't want to think, there are still movies for that, and not just porn.

What works for me is if I'm actually given something that totally effaces my need to carry on with my own thinking, because the film provides its own world of thought and I'm just blown away with it. That is how something great makes you think/feel but also frees you from thinking/feeling the same as always all at once.

I wonder what is the good of porn. Why is it so important eh. There aren't any better substitutes?

I don't look forward to going back to Singapore too much! I just miss friends and family!

But I don't look forward to the weather, or look forward much to the work at all.

Well, it's now time for me to have a short little break though! I'm watching all the shows and movies that I can, and reading and checking out music and all that stuff. Just all the stuff that interests me. Just got a little bit more time to do that for now!

I think, it's either I want to become a scriptwriter, or I should work my way up to becoming a director. It doesn't seem so easy for me to become a director of photography / the cameraperson.

And I want to work on drama. And yet, Singapore doesn't have all that fantastic drama stories in the film industry. The imagination is just not quite there yet. Gain experience first then say. But I definitely think telling drama stories in some other country's film industry seems more interesting. I'll just have to see.

If the stories in themselves are not imaginative, I wouldn't even bother being the cameraperson, because I won't be excited about how I can frame up the story, ya know.

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Disclaimer: Not my video or my song!

Wow I love some of these fan videos! They're cute, and give a warm fuzzy feeling! Hahaha. They're my two fav actors for now, and they so rock. Plus, I get to get addicted to some of these uber nice songs which have so many listeners on youtube, hence proving their popularity, but I'm just getting to hear them now! At least I can now find more of these songs and not just know about Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" or sumthin. :^)

"Edgar Allan Poe, Herman Melville, Washington Irving, Nathaniel Hawthorne. All these people wrote for children. They may have pretended not to, but they did."

Hahaha! Yes! I discovered Edgar Allan Poe in the Tampines Library when I was a kid.

I discovered the macabre stuff when I was that young. And it sure is cool to know that it was written for me! Who says children can't handle that stuff? :D It's the most awesome stuff. Lots of kids can appreciate horror!

I wanna read Moby Dick next.

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"So being able to accept responsibility, but above all having a sense of humor, so that anything that happens can have its amusing side."

"I find this in most fields. The need for romance is constant, and again, it’s pooh-poohed by intellectuals. As a result they’re going to stunt their kids. You can’t kill a dream. Social obligation has to come from living with some sense of style, high adventure, and romance."

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And btw, I cannot wait to release my 2010 short film The Interview. :-)

I hope I can 'go places' with this film man! I think, at least, there's no horrible production mistakes in this one. :-D

This song came in one of the really epic emotive scenes in Supernatural! I mentioned that moment before. Such a good song. Just listen to how deep this really is, and those lyrics... Will blow you away. Actually just the whole sound of this old school guitar type song. Just real deep.

Disclaimer: Not my video! Nice song :D

(Just read the conclusion way below :P)

OKAY. OUTBURST. QUICK ONE.

Revelation. Whatever you call it?

I am angry. No, I am sad. No, I just don't get it.

Haha. Okay.. I should cool it yeah.. I'm not anything. I just have to say something.

And it's going to be random again.

A Singaporean guy friend, who is honestly just a friend of mine, has been going out with a girl for one month, and I just found out, and he would have told me but assignments just kept us busy, so I just met up with this friend for a movie today and found out!

I'm not jealous. I just feel weird finding out at such a random point. I always seem to find out about people dating other people at random times, though they don't keep it from me. These are my friends I'm talking about yah. Even Kay has gone out with a guy. And these things just seem to happen like they're all normal. And the thing is, yeah these things are supposed to be normal.

It's like this guy friend didn't announce it on Facebook or anything yah, so I don't mind that I find out a little later because it's not like he wouldn't tell me in specific. Anyway, the telling part is not exactly the point of this puzzlement I have.

And his girlfriend just joined us for grocery shopping after the movie the two of us watched. So isn't that kind of weird that a girlfriend (from China too) suddenly sort of pops up. Ha. Anyway.

And I'm telling you there's no scheme or anything, or jealousy or anything of that sort. So just hear me out.

I'm afraid I'm not very good at getting to the point straightaway. Hope I don't lose sight of it.

So.

I'm slightly tired now anyway. Hope not to rattle on and on. Quite a lot of the time, I'm tired/bored/emo. But it's just like Jane Eyre would say. She is rarely sad, but just tired. Her energies not finding enough avenues or something perhaps. Haha. She is supposed to be a passionate 'feministic' character after all.

And I still have other things to do, despite the fact that school's out! I'm not that much of a slacker yo.

Anddd, back to my argument - that is forming in my head just about now.

Why do my friends get girlfriends/boyfriends? And why do I not even care? How can I care? It's because I don't understand it. Can someone please, please help me understand it?

Why do my friends get girlfriends/boyfriends, and I feel left out? Duh. It's none of my business. But I try to see if I can make any sense about it. I try to care that other people are having girl/boyfriends, so I can appreciate how there is such a thing as caring deeply about some other person in this world.

But of course, I'm not the one who is supposed to be able to see their bonding with each other.

But I get almost nothing. What? What is this? What is this thing called 'relationship'?

For someone who tries to be sincere about all this (i.e. me), I do not see or feel even the simplest thing.

Is it just loneliness? Because, I hope you can tell me it's not just loneliness.

I hardly give a crap about that. Haha. Sorry for the language. It's just me being honest.

And I don't like people who give too much of a crap about it either. Come on... It's equally hard for everyone. Why should one shove one's loneliness into everyone else's faces? That's self-centered neediness.

Wait, can I just restate that it's not that I don't believe how my friends or even family do not have real feelings for their partners. It's not like that. I'm not unfeeling. I don't know if this post sounds cold, but do you find that I am a cold person? If I have always seemed like a cold person, that would be the one thing in the world that would make me feel crushingly sad.

The way I live my life is that I never want to be cold. Don't you know how I'm always open, but yet at a distance first, observing just how I could belong. But I have never made it a point to be cold. I make such an important effort to never to be cold to people. I'm a people person in this smallest way.

I know my own family has felt feelings of love. Don't you know that makes me feel glad. When my friends talk to me of how they have cared for someone, it feels important for me to hear them share with me such things.

Isn't this the very thing that 'makes the world go round'?

So tell me.

Why do I get this puzzlement and frustration sometimes? I can -never- understand how the whole world functions on 'love'. Because not all of it is the real thing. Still, I'd also say 'sure sure' to the 'real thing'. Because none of this can be defined. It is not meant to be defined anyway. Yet it's the most greatest thing that can exist, I still believe.

But right now, noone has taken me to that point of belief. I've not been moving towards that myself either.

But don't call me weird. I certainly already feel like just a bit of a loser that I'm 23, and I do not have a boyfriend. And when I feel like getting defensive, I'd say.. "So...? It's just not my time yet..." or something along that line.

But who cares what I have to say to that. I don't even care what I think of this... Maybe it's my attitude that matters. It's only my attitude that matters. Attitude translates to action. I don't even want to give any reasons, share my understanding and such...

Because, I do not understand it... I don't really understand why I have to find out so superficially that friends have girl/boyfriends, and I look at it all like I'm just out-of-place. The world just keeps turning on in this way, and I have been strange enough to have not been able to get into this sort of thing.

I'm going to need some kind of conclusion for this post.

1. I am a little bit of a tomboy. 2. I don't flirt in a girly way. Maybe only sometimes with nice-sounding words. And therefore, I'm not presented as a girl with that sort of girly charm. I don't go into relationships. I'm looking to laugh with someone and look out for someone, who has a need that makes him not just needy for himself, but reliant on me as I might likewise receive the same from him. That kind of need is mutually real.

But I go home, and I have that kind of unconditional love from my family. And then I really don't have to care. It doesn't bother me. I'm not feeling too hurried to rush into all those kinds of usual ways of settling down.

I want to meet someone. I am not that hot and sexy. So I'm not trying to be all that stuck-up at all. But just who might that someone be? Someone who can get some of these things that I do, some of these things that I say. Or is that too much? Am I getting self-absorbed myself now. How is that too much if I just want to have time for the person, and even when little tantrums or worries about life come in, each of us will know the other person can look over the minor tantrums and see the general good-humor inside. And I still am superficial. Looks is not right at the top of things, but don't you think my eyes (including everyone else's) just look for that?

But, wouldn't someone who can respond to this 'good humored' specification of mine, without either of us having to leave when life changes, just show up already. We all respond differently to each other. So, only a few specific people can see this nature of each of us.

I'm a childish kid. I have my childish ideas. I can be by myself. In a world filled with my own imaginations that come from my love of film, and the possibility of making something of my life in some of the work I occasionally get to do. So I'm not potential girlfriend material.

If you think I should get a boyfriend, maybe now I'll say no. If you ask am I trying to find someone to know then to appreciate, I hope I can say yes.

Right now, I will sigh in defeat. Yes, it still is true. I don't know love at all. I have yet to come to know any of it at all. Besides the love that I have for my family.

Oh wow. Seriously. How is this called a quick post? I'm getting quicker though. Kinda spent quite little time on this.

Dear God. How am I ever going to care for someone besides family and friends? If you give me time, in an environment with someone who cares about pretty similar things and well, cares about me, maybe I'll understand how that kind of caring comes about then. Just give me time.

Give me time and help me to see. I'm not turning away from it, if time lets it be. Just the way it should be.

I really try to be poetic, don't I. Yeah, I suck. Whatever.

Supernatural speech influences. Back to the real world now. Logging off Blogger, taking a shower. Yeah.

I've said some stuff, things go back to being quite the same. But now that I've said it, maybe I can let go of these words and be more certain of myself in the way I act.

And I go back to listening my teenybopper song, Jesse McCartney's Leavin', and enjoy feeling the romantic play of a teasing love and other stuff in awesome dramas like Supernatural. =)

Romance yourself. It's your most positive way of brightening up the world for yourself and others. Like, the Rmit philosophy professor would say, "Re-enchant the world", you know. It all starts with you.

Who the hell is 'you' anyway? In all those love songs?

People only see my analytical side. It's like I don't have a romantic side. It seems like so.

I'm absorbed with creating these romantic notions of my own in my head, and not displaying them in the 'real world'. I'm just an original dreamer, ok. :)

So maybe this needs to actually manifest itself more in actual reality.

.

.

.

I know very well now.

I deserve my share of a romantic side. That is what I want. That is what I will preserve. I have that, and I want to keep it, and I should have like, more of it.

I've never been that 'dark'. I think dark, only because that's how far I can actually go in terms of creativity, stories, film what not. I expose myself to a lot of films, light ones, dark ones. I have the craziest ideas in terms of fiction. But that doesn't mean I cannot be the normal person that I am. I'm so normal. I'm the best possible normal girl in the best possible situation. I've no messed up life, and I can have someone. And I will. You'll see. I'll fit. In a relationship.

I have no fantasies about real life in the real world, and I'm not some 'all dreams will come true' person, but I simply have a single, sure right to the romantic. As the girl I am. How could I forget! And think otherwise. Well, no more. I'm a girl. I'm a nerd interested in weird stuff. But I'm also a girl who's not rigid when it comes to love.

Romance is complementary; fills the empty void of cold hard realism. But cold hard realism is a guide for clear-headedness, and less hot-headedness. Romance will complete one, and makes one more accepting of the usual cycle of cold hard reality. But I'm also talking about the romantic determination (and not actual romance? Which still might just lead to the 'real thing' called 'love' though) to keep life warm and filled with love, however immature and unseeing (and unreal) it may sometimes be - that leads to the ultimate realization that real life is something else. But may be that is just good enough, you know? That's really all that's wanted and needed.

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you need."

And so. Don't give up on the romantic. Keep it.

Even if one is carrying ideas of romance which are slightly too romantic, no harm keeping them, and seeing where it all leads to.

On the other hand, to just take everything that comes, and to have no imagination? Is that trying? Is there any sort of realization what one ever needs.

I need - To stop blogging right here.

Sam AGAIN!

Haha gosh, I'm sleepy. Slacking in bed before turning in! ESSAYS ALL DONE. :) Editing tomorrow. Editing is tiring. But itz cool. Can't wait to release my film. Doesn't that just sound so cool. Release my film. :D

Spiderman's soundtrack a lot more juvenile than I remember. Haha. Guess my liking it last time means I was juvenile! Was. Am. .... Still love the movies.

Isn't it about time for me to go back home now. =/

UH HUH! :) Aiyoooo, Bo Liao.

From the TV Show's webpage.

I really do have to get back to my essay, don't I.

It's the last leg of it.

And I still can't get back to it.

Sian!

But after that, Woaaaaaaaah.

What a lot of leisurely things I could do.

I can't do this.

But, I need to.

Writing mode, please come back.

------

"for Meursault he doesn't play his game among men, and later on realizes that he was kind of playing the game against the world by refusing to react to the world, but actually he should have just -really- played his game against the world by playing along with it, and played the (lower-level) game with men as well"

Can you imagine the editing that comes before the submission of the assignment?

------

‎"He doesn't complain, and he doesn't realize that he doesn't complain. The Outsider is about a man who jeopardizes himself when he doesn't bother to complain and on the other hand, Jane Eyre is a complain queen."

"In another novel by Camus, The Stranger, this man is placed in jail after a murder for which he does not have any real motive. His guilt is obvious, as well as the fact that he is not ignorant to the implications of his crime. He is a character devoid of real emotion, as expressed by the lack of grief shown at his own mother's funeral. Society, in his opinion, provides no meaning for life. A person removed from society can find more meaning in life than one submerged in it, even though the eventual fate of this man is an execution that will be the end of that life. Society gives the illusion of many things that prove false when examined in a place untainted by outside influences. It is necessary to live in the society, but not to be deceived by it. Even Russell understands that "the common life means dwelling in a web of relationships, the many threads tugging you while holding you upright". Each "thread" is not necessarily a threat to your survival, yet also does not protect you entirely. It is in realizing this fact that an individual can learn to balance isolation and interaction with society."

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/823843/isolation_from_society_pg2.html?cat=38

------

Absurdism!

INDEED!

Tired of essay research... -.-zZzzZ

"I told my Soul to sing--

She said her Strings were snapt--

Her bow--to Atoms blown--

And so to mend her--gave me work--

Until another Morn--"

- Emily Dickinson

------

I wanna go home! Still got a month to go.

A week more of Uni work!

------

Anger.

Anger is Sexy.

Yeah, sometimes it can be!

Grrrroooowwl. Can I have a puppy?

------

Another vid got me hooked on a song! So cute.

GAWD, I HATE THIS.

I HATE THIS VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH.

Still being influenced by Supernatural. Hate-spewing speeches. *teeth gnashing*

It's all cool.

---

Hey, is my obsession really random of me? I have been obsessed by boybands before, so I guess not eh.

And because this is not the time for Grey's or House, and anyway I just have half of the latest season of Grey's, and not sure where I'm up to with House now. Got S6 burnt to CD. But I won't watch them both because I'll rather watch Supernatural since I've dl-ed it as a complete season. Whoo yeah.

I really feel like going more the cool chick route than the dainty one look. Hah.

Blah. But then I'm just a girl, not yet a woman. -_-

And I actually get influenced to act more like the male characters than the female ones, since the male ones are the leads. -_-

Ghost busting never looked this good.

I was referring to my last essay in the beginning.

---

"The last pages of a book are often found in the first."

"The Outsider is not an explanatory book. The absurd man does not explain; he describes. Nor is it a book which proves anything."

"The fact that certain great novelists have chosen to write in terms of images rather than of arguments reveals a great deal about a certain kind of thinking common to them all, a conviction of the futility of all explanatory principles, and of the instructive message of sensory impressions."

I want to say something just for a dramatic effect here - As I get older, the world seems more and more like a lie.

Hee.

>.<"

---

Well, the truth is. I know my family and my few friends are never going to be the ones lying to me.

The world only seems like a lie sometimes because there are a lot of people who are living a lie.

Sometimes, when I just stop trying so hard to 'live', when I just internalize/externalize my boredom without going too crazy, when I know that boredom will just pass over but hopefully along the way I'm still accumulating something constructive and good in my life - I know I'm not one of the people who are living a lie. People are tiresome when they make it so obvious that they're just "living a lie".

I don't wanna have to pretend to live; I just want to live. Even if pretending to live gives the appearance of a more exciting life.

I don't wanna have to pretend to live. I'M JUST ALIVE. I just am.

>.<;;

I don't wanna do all the usual things from day-to-day. Sure, I don't mind them. All the usual activities. But ask me. Ask me what I think of life. And I could tell you some. And I could show you some. And they'll be things which have the likes of nothing you've ever seen before.

Lol.

Crapatular. Gotta go.

"Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth."

- Pablo Picasso

I'm sad. Facebook sickens me quite now.

Lol.

So I'll just leave it at that: Right now once again, Facebook is boring. Because I'm quite boring now too. Well, not exactly. My mind is very active. Actively doing essays and project.

But anyway yah. Boring.

I'm practically watching Supernatural everyday. 1-2 episodes a day.

That happens a lot with me too. Stick with one show while I'm slogging it out with essays.

WAH. These assignments need to be over soon lah.

Move on, Move on!

---

Btw, THE KILLERS are such an AWESOME BAND. Loves!

And, I kind of like the entire second album from One Republic. Such impressive development of style since their hit "Apologize". Hope they'll produce a smashing third album!

Plus, I'm d/l-ing Spiderman soundtrack right now. Have always meant to do it!

Supernatural is top torrent for DL on the torrent site I always visit. High above House MD, and above How I Met Your Mother and Grey's Anatomy and yada yada. Cool!

And I've been thinking I should try watching Dexter and this other show I've been hearing about, called Mad Men!

Supernatural
Prison Break
Mad Men
Dexter
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Six Feet Under

How How How?!?

So many!

Mr. Uni and I are supposed to be way over man.

One Republic's songs are so power that I always mouth the lyrics like I'm also the lead singer, and I'm sure their songs will totally rock at a karaoke session.

To the third interviewee who's supposed to have sent me answers to my interview questions long ago, I REALLY WANT TO KEEL YOU.

This guy is taking a week to return my interview. A WEEK. He's screwing me over. He can't take much longer now. I hope.

I got a couple more ideas about the Supernatural characters. Which I'll come back to when I have time. Now, I'm not actually supposed to have time.

And it's really bad to have to do editing this week. It throws off the routine of just getting assignments done first. But I'm not the only one in my group, so editing it is.
------

Extract of what I'm writing for a Uni report:

[[ In answer to my fifth question, Kan says, "South East Asian independent films have been on an upward trend for the past 6-7 years." In all honesty, I had no idea. I haven't exposed myself to South East Asian independent films in particular, though I have been watching more Singaporean independent shorts. And the truth is, I am not particularly attracted to "South East Asian independent films". That sounds very niche. It is probably very telling that I still watch a lot of Hollywood shows and what not, as opposed to seeking out South East Asian films to watch.

Kan himself has said, "As an impressionable youth, I was influenced by Hollywood and wanted to make films in a similar vein. It took me quite a while to realize my own heritage and learn not to despise it." ]]

Now, don't you think this is a good interview. I still won't watch South East Asian films. Well, I'm more the Eric K / Kelvin T fan type. And I don't despise my own heritage. I'm just trying to be more interested in it.

[[ I know that I'm interested in both 'drama' and the 'drama of life', i.e. real-life fiction. But if I'm no Jean-Luc Godard just yet, I will wait a little while longer before endeavoring to make films for myself… I still need to keep looking for a good starting job, and good people to work with. If I'm still interested in drama, and not necessarily any community-involved drama so to speak, but perhaps a genre film that excites thought and the senses, I think I should still go after my interest in this. Yes, it may seem typically amateurish to still be enamored by the B-grade type genre film, but there's a kind of honesty in a B-grade movie with lots of horrifying garish and exaggerated drama in it. I don't necessarily want lots of blood to be seen, but a drama that doesn't endeavor to tell lies sounds pretty good to me, just because nowadays we know that media images are not exactly honest. So, so long as it's a film that tells the truth without necessarily becoming a social documentary, I will be very much interested in it. ]]

[[ Therefore, right now I will endeavor to watch a lot of films and write about them if I get the chance to continue working with SNMA (abbreviation just so that ppl won't arrive at my blog from snma.sg ^^), and besides of watching them for the drama, I will keep identifying the themes that make the film resonate with me. Films that portray youth for instance, resonate with me quite. Maybe not so much a young generation that is on drugs and completely 'off the rocker', but a young generation that is sort of lost. And actually, I think that the idea of a lost young generation would attract some amount of interest in SG. Just maybe. ]]

And one final thought tonight.

I was just watching an ep from Supernatural, and there was a sex scene. And the episode ended with the actor I like with tears running down his face. An awesome moment (of his acting). And obviously very heartbreaking for his character.

Then I looked through my interview with an industry professional, and this guy said that he was keen on Hollywood when younger and wanted to make films in that kind of style. But now the violence on-screen sickens him, and he says maybe having kids also sobered him up a little. Anyway, he also sounds like he really knows what he's talking about in terms of film and all. I haven't gotten that far yet.

And finally, I got to thinking. What's it like to have sex with somebody you love/like?

This is my blog right. I can say anything I want.

And yes, it's not a taboo topic. I mean, come on. The chain of events above made me think of that.

Alright, let's wrap that up now.

Romanticized ideas of sex as portrayed on screen. Then again, this came about not really only because of what's on screen. But how seductive the images on the television screen are. Don't you think. HA.

Oh and I think, the series Supernatural is milking the good looks of their two actors a little too much. Give them some space, will ya. Lol. Seriously, is it that easy to go to bed with someone? You guys writing/producing the show had better not give me another Sam Winchester sex scene too soon. I'll boil up in my jealousy.

---

I feel like killing the writer of that episode. LOL. Is that in character??? Uh uh. Writers, don't you go about defacing your own characters.

Ah, I read a Youtube comment and got my revelation. It's something called Lust.

For it to all happen in one episode, it's a little bit hard for it to sink in.

That could be a problem with stories that take place one episode at a time.

Right, someone on Youtube made a video about their relationship. Even if it's just for an ep. Interesting. One user comments it's lust, another says there's something more. Ha. How real fiction can be.

Check the video out. Hollywood is badass. Love it and Hate it. Its fantasies can be so ridiculously stupid, but you can't escape it. At least, I can't escape my teenage girl adoration for Supernatural.

I'm going to make my own seductive films in future. And seriously- I'm going to use technical language of film here: the number of close-up shots in this episode is unusually high too. I do love close-ups being put to good use.

And I gotta go.

List of TV Shows I'm now wanting to see!

Supernatural

Prison Break

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Six Feet Under

But I still have so many important films to watch! BAH.

Still time to keep working on Uni first.

------

How am I supposed to concentrate??????

SERIOUSLY!

YAUGH.

Okay I will.

------

Now, I'm quite enjoying this business of doing interviews with the film industry professionals.

I'm learning quite a bit! Their answers have been quite fascinating.

I really hate this. But I think I have to do this. And I'm already very hard-pressed for time. So I have to keep on doing this.

And this is just Uni work that I'm talking about.

So let's do this.

Oh, dear God Almighty. Give me strength. Haiz... Perseverance is the word.

Time to persevere and get off my blog and Facebook.

---

This has been part of my reflections for my school work.

" It doesn't make sense to want that kind of rigid routine, but I've come to think that routine makes one better at doing something - just like, practice makes perfect.

It's like how I've written essays for three years, and I know now how not to be depressed when the time comes for sitting at my desk for three whole days in order to write an essay of decent quality. I've learnt that this is the amount of time I need to write something I will not be embarrassed with, and can in fact be happy with for possibly having added something to my ability to think."

"I've learnt to appreciate the act of writing, especially where I'm not forced to race with time in an exam setting. That has never worked out well for me in the past (taking Cambridge 'O' and 'A' level exams), and never will. If I have to sit down and finish writing something, I can do that in my own kitchen (without the distraction of my bed) very well, instead of suffocating in some dull hall with rows of other students making different degrees of the sound of pens scratching paper."

Three years... I've gotten used to this writing of essays, and this Uni life. Since second year, I've been rather fine with it. So, what's next?

If only, there were more time... More time to feel a bond for a place... But on the other hand, it could happen that the more time one gets to know the environment, the more nothing seems interesting... A constantly interesting environment is not easy to find. But I'll go back to where I feel at home.

Okay, so I've gotten into doing the freakin Uni work now. Because there's a video record to jog my memory of seminars I need to blog about. Hehes. Thank God for that!

"You'll be surprised at what you like and what you don't like... The sooner you start doing it, the sooner you'll find what your passion is."

Righteo. I can't keep going on talking about the kind of ideas I like either, I gotta get down to finding the kind of work I can do as an exercise of these 'philosophies' of life.

And today I think,

I just like to find what's hidden.

I realized this when I saw this link about newspaper articles having some of their words blocked out with black marker so that only some words stay, and they sort of form another story. That's so cool.

I so love a game of hide-and-seek. Haha! Right.

I freaking hate the Uni course I have to deal with right now. I just hate it, but I have to. Do this.

Sometimes, I want to be a drummer!

RANDOM THOUGHT of the day!

Enjoy this song. Also a random! I have one other song by Matt Nathanson in my iPod - called Come On Get Higher. One Republic's songs also make me want to become a drummer. All those 'studio' songs lar. They sound more 'fleshed out', and I just love the BOOMZ rhythm of songs sometimes because it's ultra uplifting. Lol.

Uh huh, the song is called 'Wedding Dress'. So the 'romantic' side of me listens to a whole lot of romance songs. And likes Jared Padalecki / Sam Winchester. (And the elder brother Dean is not far behind on my "hot favorite" list at all) And I also like 'Boomz' songs which I can play on my headphones and go take a run along the beach. Wahaha.

And on a side note, I've already found that both the Supernatural actors are recently married!

AHHHHHHH! I decided my fan craziness should belong here for now, and not on Facebook, because I'm trying to keep my activity there low for now. LOL. This is the video I'm watching just before I sleep. I was doing my essay just now... So I deserve this sweet distraction now! Haha... Man, the feeling of being a fan is finally back again. Lol. Last time I remember, it was the Korean boyband DBSK. And now this series has sucked me in, and so has this oh-so-cute and awesome and wonderful actor. Jared Padalecki. =D

Haha. Okayyyyyy. Do you reckon this return of fandom is a healthy sign? I should think so!

Anyway, I do love his 'bitchface' acting, and I've heard this song before, but now I totally like this song all the more.

And well, this blog is usually serious, and so as for this addition, I'm pretty cool with it. :D

I haven't had much necessity to put any 'warring' thoughts down on my blog lately? :o Guess the year's been an easy one without unnecessary conflict within or without! It's all been simple essay writing, simple group work. Quite the usual. Ah, I need to find more, more, more obsessions. Material obsessions? Hmm, perhaps not material obsessions but story obsessions.

Hmm... Now thinking about Media Ethics, and I just kinda thought:

There is no truth, there is only a message.

True of False? Ha.

---

This housemate of mine is ridiculous. He's lazy. He doesn't throw out his thrash. He doesn't have a life. And he's a whiner. Only knows how to whine on the phone, and today I still overhear him on the phone asking some random new 'friend' he made today I reckon, "Do you like Melbourne?" And goes on and on about how he's still considering what to do, goes on and on about his doing his Masters' and what not. How could such a person be doing a Masters' degree. He's scary. He's nuts. And in negative way. Not in a fun way. I've never wanted to tell someone to get a life before, but to this guy, I would. But it's not like I'm going to say that to him. I'm not going to ask for trouble. What kind of housemates have I gotten man. It's very lame. This shared house life in Melbourne - Makes no difference in my life at all.

Gawd. It's just really, really lame.

Kinda wish I had my other female housemate back too. Ah well.

After this, am I never gonna touch the film camera ever again? *shakes head* No.. Who knows. Camera assistant? Advanced diploma in Cinematography? Directing? Editing? Not producing right... Screenwriting?

---

And if I could make films, I would make films that get me to not think too much. I wouldn't make films to think more, I would make films to relief myself of all that thinking. Therefore, films that are only all too serious or 'talk' too much don't entice me very much. Unless thought is presented more like a dream, than like an actual thought. A film should just have layers of meaning, I guess... So a viewer can get lost in them.

This is the post that made me led me to think of the above:

http://sindieonly.blogspot.com/2008/04/dreams-from-third-world-by-kan-lume.html

...

Oh and, did I mention that this is a stressful week?

Second, the rough cut for my last student short film is out.

Let's go back to the first point - This should be a STRESSFUL WEEK! Yes, SHOULD BE. So right now, I should be getting out of here! I just have to talk it out a lot when I have stress. And it happens that it makes me feel better to declare it to myself somewhere (well yeah, here) and just leave it at that.

'As a young independent director you are trying to get noticed,' he said. 'The films are often very personal so it might be hard to find an audience in commercial cinemas but screening at this festival, and being accepted for this award, puts you in touch with an audience and with important members of the international film community such as foreign producers.'

From AFP news report - http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/Lifestyle/Story/STIStory_589257.html

I came to Melbourne to -not- make personal films... But I guess I'm fine with that!

I have had like two people in my production 'team' each time I made a film in my three years of doing films at RMIT. Seriously. Two people (and that includes me) who have cared to put time into the pre-production preparation instead of helping out at the last minute. The other helpers only really come on the day of shooting itself. Tell me if that doesn't make a difference in terms of the end product!

(>__<)

Sometimes it feels like I may be better off doing some sort of advanced diploma. I'm not complaining! There is seriously a difference here. And like I've said, it's not time for me to be rolling on production yet. I'm trying to find out how. I just work in whichever way I can afford to. My 'resources' aren't that great or anything, but I'm just working in whichever way I am able to.

It's kinda strange how these things happen! It's mostly been Kay and myself... Magic Fingers and Dead House. And for the second film Dead House, we did enroll into the same tutorial and all, so we worked together again. And for this third and final film, there were supposed to be four people. But two of them dropped out of the course. Shit just happens man. Anyway, not all people in the course are necessarily serious about doing a film. To some of them, it's just another course. That can't be helped.

But then it happened again! Two people on the team for my third and final student film. We did all the pre-production work ourselves, and are doing all the post-production work ourselves. Good thing we helped as crew on another team's shoot, and luckily they are kind enough to help us back. My other teammate crewed on other teams' shoots as well, but they have not offered to come crew for us. Well, our production is small (and boy, I come up with script ideas knowing I can't produce anything real big), so the small crew is just right for us as well. But I'm just glad for the people who did come crew for us (which just nice happens to include Kay; Kay and I are on different teams this time becoz she wants to specialize in editing), and it's just great that they aren't 'too busy' like other people and are willing to help us back, you know?

Yah anyway. The film shoot is done now! And I think that is all I wanted to say in this post now. Just glad to be able to be Dir. of Photography for this film.

Actually.. My dream in film is to do drama.. But because drama looks so fake when it's low budget and everything, I'd rather do documentary first! Perhaps documentary would work well as a beginning... But my dream is really to do an aesthetically slick and at the same time full-on mind-blowing drama which will make you go like, "Man, this is larger than life." Lol.

Doing drama doesn't mean I want to do some imaginary, delusional, self-absorbed narrative. Doing drama is all about design. And a vision. And it is rooted in reality. And since no image is necessarily completely truthful anyway, I would think it more interesting to go all the way and do some sort of doco-drama.

And I still think that I'm writing more for now. More of a reviewer. Reviewing the 'trends', reviewing all sorts of films that have been done in past years in Singapore. It's not much, yet this writing and reviewing business leads me to imagine exciting possibilities for what is happening on the film scene in Singapore too. I do enjoy research work on occasion. It's just like what the Winchester brothers do on the Supernatural TV series. Lol. Ah well, that is pretty different really.

"What is obscene is all that is unnecessarily visible, without desire and without effect, all that usurps the so rare and so precious space of appearances."

"How can the image save its singularity in a world entirely turned into image?"

"Can the images, can we, resist the noise, the perpetual rumour of the world, through the silence of the image?"

"In order for the image, for the object, to emerge as such, it has to be put in suspense, in suspense of meaning, in suspense of the tumultuous operation of the world. It must be captured in the single fantastic moment which is the first encounter, the surprising moment, when things are not yet aware that we are here, when they have not yet been arranged by analytical order, when our absence is not yet fading away. But this instance is ephemeral. We should not be present to see it. This is what, in a sense, photographers do, hidden behind their lens, themselves vanishing, themselves having disappeared. For this is the price of making objects appear: the disappearance of the subject."

- Jean Baudrillard, The Violence of the Image and the Violence done to the Image

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Thank you, Baudrillard. That last point was beautiful.

I'm doing a film! My last student film? And that makes me happy. BUT. (Hahaha there's always a but for me) I'm pretty tired today. Camera box so damn heavy. Slept too few hours. Always do when there's a film project. But I feel slightly less than inspired. Shooting day might turn out to be inspiring though. But the challenges and responsibility is there too! I like it, I really do. But sometimes, without talking about all these reasons to get excited, I feel less than inspired. I love working with people on a film. But there are also a few times I keep a little more quiet. And there seems to be less to say. Like a certain song goes. Sometimes, there really isn't much to say. Like with regards to why I do this. I don't know. I'm too existentialist. I really have not much 'meaning' to make out of life. There is no such 'meaning'. Life is life. While I have all this action, I'm happy, and I want more action. But.. Life is still life. Lol. Seriously, my mind has nothing good to go on normally. I'm such a crapper. Lol. Still life.. There's a Chinese film with that title, and it's pretty famous, and the title makes me pretty curious about it. Life is life. Action is action. Happiness is all in one's mindset. And I. -- I want my imagination to run free.

It's weird. Have I come to think that I don't just want to do a film on my own? Because all my favorite films blow me away, but I don't even aspire to follow in their footsteps or anything? Because they're TOO GOOD? If I want to generate some kind of response or feeling, am I going to count on my 'ability' to write then? Is that how I want to generate something different in response to something else?

Am I very hard to please? Why don't too many things amuse me? Even if supposedly I laugh a lot? Laugh out of awkwardness or what.. Lol.. I like to be amused. I want to find my own amusements. I really like life to have a bit of humor. Real humor. Like the humor should come from within a person. Even if with regards to my interests, I'm naturally inclined to DARK stories. :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_crimes_in_Singapore

My interest in crime and investigation is of no use in Singapore... >.<

This can really feel very SIAN sometimes.

But I guess I don't mind work that much.

It's always doing one or the either. Work, or Idle.. I want to read Bertrand Russell's "In Praise of Idleness". See, I haven't been reading or watching films again! Back to work.

I just saw the plot sypnosis of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.. Always wondered why the Sundance film festival is called that.. Is it because of this movie?? Anyway it's a famous movie.. Which I always had in my list of movies to watch.. I'd push it right up to be the next one I watch soon.. Anyway the plot is about 2 robbers.. One of them is the one with ideas, and the other is action and skill.. I always believed in complementing people that way! Haha. I'm the one with ideas la.. You want me to have skill, got to get me some proper training rite?? Haiya. After Uni larh. Anyway, I'm just someone interested in ideas anyway.. I'm quite happy with my team mate with whom I'm doing my short film though. Hopefully, this weekend the shoot is going to go well. *cross my fingers*

Uni can really feel quite sh*t sometimes! Like, how about giving us more technical learning?? Everything also learn myself! No mentoring from the tutors!! Seriously. Especially in third year. I tell you... The technical learning here is really not full-on lor. It feels like Uni alright. It doesn't feel like a full-on cinematography/camerawork course.

We do everything ourselves! I've done like producing, editing and blah. It's great to learn about all roles. But when it comes to make equipment decisions, I really am lost! What the hell..

Up to now, nobody will (or maybe even, nobody should) give me a proper shooting role in a film because my learning has been so varied and not in-depth enough. I really don't have the credentials yet, even if I'm glad that every project I've done has really been dependent on me. It's really purely independent, low-budget student filmmaking. I have nothing else to count on whatsoever.

It'll be nice to get some real credentials and structured camera training. But after this, I don't suppose I'll go professional at all. What will happen to this production 'dream'. It's really not easy to be a 'fixture' in production. How can I keep taking on the same role in every production. Who makes available such a role every now and then. Seriously don't know how I can get into production. May depend on who I can get to meet.

And I'm no producer. So I have nothing that I can do left larh. Girl should go and be editor or producer, or just maybe, director? Don't know whether I can become any of that, or if starting from writing and meeting people through that is going to suit me as a starting point.

I can't do this.

I can't start on my elective presentation.

I want to focus on my short film shoot. I have to learn the usage of this damn cool camera. I have to organize the shot list.

How could I do my presentation. It's worth 20 per cent in total. Group work.

I really just want to put all of my time into this final student film project.

I'm tired enough as it is, and just can't get down into it! What a terrible thing to have to leave aside the stuff my mind is on, and try to care about doing other things. Haha.

The shit hits the fan now.

And I need to set up a new blog.

I feel bad towards Sinema, and want to go back to spending more time on that.

Oh hey, my blog is now out of the internet search results! =)

My schedule just got flooded this week, bursting at the banks. Ha. Funny. Not.

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Too many interesting distractions on Facebook! Ahh! Not good! Not at this time. Dear me, please stop it. Please do your work. There is no time for other things now. There will be time to 'kaypoh' about people on Facebook in a couple of weeks. So please remember that. Thank you, me.

-_-"

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Damn! I should have never mentioned my name here! Ridiculous! Took that post back into draft status and not as 'published'. Would this blog still appear in searches?

I've changed blogs because of this! Just because I want to keep this pretty anonymous! Nobody needs to know about this blog, besides the people whom I personally tell! Jeez. I like posting on the net, but doesn't mean I want it to be so easily found.

Stupid saved memory searches! Can't I take that back? That's it. I'm moving.

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And I dislike Presentation Week. There's more than one.

My response to my Lit text Jane Eyre in what was supposed to be 50 words :)

Jane Eyre is a protofeminist because she exerts her independence regardless of consequence. Discuss.

"I've never thought of Jane Eyre as being irresponsible.. So I don't really think she doesn't think of the consequences of her desire for independence. The book didn't give me the impression that she is selfish.. Nor is she only thinking of her independence? She's a very 'people' person, that's what I think.. She wants to be around people who accept and love her.. I can't think of much of a decision she has made on her own accord that was rather forced upon other people, except for the time when she left Mr Rochestor. It would seem like she's protofeminist for only wanting to marry Mr Rochestor when she became more independently financially.. But her leaving Mr Rochestor caused her to suffer just as much as he did, and maybe even more.. She almost died out there, eh.. So perhaps yes, she was so bent on leaving that she didn't even care if she could die.. That's kind of disregarding the consequences.. And yet, she has good enough reason to leave Mr Rochestor.. The book drops hints that marrying at the time when Bertha was alive would have been a rash decision, not just because it would be a blight to both their reputations, but also because the presence of Bertha might have been a obstruction to their love for each other even.. Mr Rochestor didn't seem very emotionally stable at that point.. I think it was good for Jane Eyre to have left for just a year.. Comparing to what might have happened if she stayed, I'd say that her leaving helped to prevent much turmoil as a married couple had they married earlier.. So no, I don't think she's protofeminist.. I still view Jane Eyre pretty much as a romance novel.. Haha.."

I went on a short film shoot. It was a war film. What an idea! Very different to have gone on this shoot.

This is such a time when I would wonder why I want to leave Melbourne.

I haven't been on a film shoot for my own Uni course for the whole of last semester! 6 whole months. Lol. I was on shoots for both semesters last year, and then this semester.

I want to keep going on production.. As a student! What the hell. =/

I love it, the crew, the cast, all working together. All funny and cool people. Most cooler than I am. But I talk to them, and heck, people are so great on a film shoot that lots of people come talk to me even when I am shy. But I show how I'm absolutely glad to be part of a group effort, and I don't shy away from people completely there, because I get so interested in watching people, you know. I like making guesses about people's lives. Probably comes from my interest in detective stories and stuff.

I even fall in love with the actors, directors all the time. It has happened before! Haha. It's not that serious, but I'm telling you, the ones I have a serious crush on, and really remember over the times I've had in Melbourne (and maybe once in Singapore even), they are the people I've met on a production set. People open up there, they're funny, they're cool, they're amazing. Cooler than me even perhaps, know more things than I do. But that doesn't matter. Obviously I'm always learning, and can't be the greatest. And I'm proud of myself whenever I throw all the unnecessary things about what one knows and one doesn't, and talk to people like we're all just the same, we're all just good people who want to be on that set to get a little something out of it. Do I have to convince you much more how these group efforts are the most amazing thing I experience with people? Hah.

Why, why would I leave Melbourne? There's lots happening here. But don't know if it can be called a career path at all. If I don't leave Melbourne, I'd never get 'anywhere'. But isn't it amazing to be random sometimes, and have one thing lead to another?

I wanna go home and spend time with family.

Where will I go again after I go back to Singapore for a while?

Where is there a story or just something that only I can do. I don't mind doing something small, but where will I make a difference. Where will these production efforts make a difference in my life, and make a difference to what I learn.

Melbourne, I will miss you.

I don't need like lasting happiness or what not. I mean, my family makes me feel safe and happy. And obviously, if only I could find someone to love and someone to love me for how simple I am and slightly crazy as I may be, that would be the greatest. I would stay. But happiness right now is knowing whatever I work for is going to be worth it.

This actor had the word truth tattooed on his wrist. Apparently, cause that's what I overheard someone commenting about it. I talked to him too. Lovely people. Him too. Haha. Well, I just talked to him when I managed to corner him to offer a cup of tea because I was sort of runner and assisting the producer for the day. Metres away in a makeshift house/shed from the muddy grounds on which the film was being shot. I was on the shooting grounds on the previous day, but they lacked the person who was stationed in the shed for the next day so I took her place.

I think I found a new, great position in which I can talk to people. Corner them for an offer of coffee/tea. Great vocation. It's hard to speak to people when it's not on a more personal basis.. I don't even know enough of that 'cool speak' to keep offering new stories about what I've come across to keep going anyway. But I do know a little about offering ideas about the impressions I get from what they've come across and what I have.

How could I give up production. Even if I'm usually the runner. How could I give up production here.

So, I was on The Edge film shoot. With coursemates like Elliot, Emma, Sean, Jonathan, Josh, Ke, Chris, Hoon and cast Patrick, Michael, Brenton. And I've not revealed that this is my blog, but yeah, there was me, ---. (Oh no oh no, I've censored my own name now. If not can just search my name and this blog can easily have its privacy invaded.) Lol. If anybody should search for the film shoot someday, perhaps you'll find this post here about what I'll always remember from the day.

Truth. Hell, yeah.