(Just read the conclusion way below :P)

OKAY. OUTBURST. QUICK ONE.

Revelation. Whatever you call it?

I am angry. No, I am sad. No, I just don't get it.

Haha. Okay.. I should cool it yeah.. I'm not anything. I just have to say something.

And it's going to be random again.

A Singaporean guy friend, who is honestly just a friend of mine, has been going out with a girl for one month, and I just found out, and he would have told me but assignments just kept us busy, so I just met up with this friend for a movie today and found out!

I'm not jealous. I just feel weird finding out at such a random point. I always seem to find out about people dating other people at random times, though they don't keep it from me. These are my friends I'm talking about yah. Even Kay has gone out with a guy. And these things just seem to happen like they're all normal. And the thing is, yeah these things are supposed to be normal.

It's like this guy friend didn't announce it on Facebook or anything yah, so I don't mind that I find out a little later because it's not like he wouldn't tell me in specific. Anyway, the telling part is not exactly the point of this puzzlement I have.

And his girlfriend just joined us for grocery shopping after the movie the two of us watched. So isn't that kind of weird that a girlfriend (from China too) suddenly sort of pops up. Ha. Anyway.

And I'm telling you there's no scheme or anything, or jealousy or anything of that sort. So just hear me out.

I'm afraid I'm not very good at getting to the point straightaway. Hope I don't lose sight of it.

So.

I'm slightly tired now anyway. Hope not to rattle on and on. Quite a lot of the time, I'm tired/bored/emo. But it's just like Jane Eyre would say. She is rarely sad, but just tired. Her energies not finding enough avenues or something perhaps. Haha. She is supposed to be a passionate 'feministic' character after all.

And I still have other things to do, despite the fact that school's out! I'm not that much of a slacker yo.

Anddd, back to my argument - that is forming in my head just about now.

Why do my friends get girlfriends/boyfriends? And why do I not even care? How can I care? It's because I don't understand it. Can someone please, please help me understand it?

Why do my friends get girlfriends/boyfriends, and I feel left out? Duh. It's none of my business. But I try to see if I can make any sense about it. I try to care that other people are having girl/boyfriends, so I can appreciate how there is such a thing as caring deeply about some other person in this world.

But of course, I'm not the one who is supposed to be able to see their bonding with each other.

But I get almost nothing. What? What is this? What is this thing called 'relationship'?

For someone who tries to be sincere about all this (i.e. me), I do not see or feel even the simplest thing.

Is it just loneliness? Because, I hope you can tell me it's not just loneliness.

I hardly give a crap about that. Haha. Sorry for the language. It's just me being honest.

And I don't like people who give too much of a crap about it either. Come on... It's equally hard for everyone. Why should one shove one's loneliness into everyone else's faces? That's self-centered neediness.

Wait, can I just restate that it's not that I don't believe how my friends or even family do not have real feelings for their partners. It's not like that. I'm not unfeeling. I don't know if this post sounds cold, but do you find that I am a cold person? If I have always seemed like a cold person, that would be the one thing in the world that would make me feel crushingly sad.

The way I live my life is that I never want to be cold. Don't you know how I'm always open, but yet at a distance first, observing just how I could belong. But I have never made it a point to be cold. I make such an important effort to never to be cold to people. I'm a people person in this smallest way.

I know my own family has felt feelings of love. Don't you know that makes me feel glad. When my friends talk to me of how they have cared for someone, it feels important for me to hear them share with me such things.

Isn't this the very thing that 'makes the world go round'?

So tell me.

Why do I get this puzzlement and frustration sometimes? I can -never- understand how the whole world functions on 'love'. Because not all of it is the real thing. Still, I'd also say 'sure sure' to the 'real thing'. Because none of this can be defined. It is not meant to be defined anyway. Yet it's the most greatest thing that can exist, I still believe.

But right now, noone has taken me to that point of belief. I've not been moving towards that myself either.

But don't call me weird. I certainly already feel like just a bit of a loser that I'm 23, and I do not have a boyfriend. And when I feel like getting defensive, I'd say.. "So...? It's just not my time yet..." or something along that line.

But who cares what I have to say to that. I don't even care what I think of this... Maybe it's my attitude that matters. It's only my attitude that matters. Attitude translates to action. I don't even want to give any reasons, share my understanding and such...

Because, I do not understand it... I don't really understand why I have to find out so superficially that friends have girl/boyfriends, and I look at it all like I'm just out-of-place. The world just keeps turning on in this way, and I have been strange enough to have not been able to get into this sort of thing.

I'm going to need some kind of conclusion for this post.

1. I am a little bit of a tomboy. 2. I don't flirt in a girly way. Maybe only sometimes with nice-sounding words. And therefore, I'm not presented as a girl with that sort of girly charm. I don't go into relationships. I'm looking to laugh with someone and look out for someone, who has a need that makes him not just needy for himself, but reliant on me as I might likewise receive the same from him. That kind of need is mutually real.

But I go home, and I have that kind of unconditional love from my family. And then I really don't have to care. It doesn't bother me. I'm not feeling too hurried to rush into all those kinds of usual ways of settling down.

I want to meet someone. I am not that hot and sexy. So I'm not trying to be all that stuck-up at all. But just who might that someone be? Someone who can get some of these things that I do, some of these things that I say. Or is that too much? Am I getting self-absorbed myself now. How is that too much if I just want to have time for the person, and even when little tantrums or worries about life come in, each of us will know the other person can look over the minor tantrums and see the general good-humor inside. And I still am superficial. Looks is not right at the top of things, but don't you think my eyes (including everyone else's) just look for that?

But, wouldn't someone who can respond to this 'good humored' specification of mine, without either of us having to leave when life changes, just show up already. We all respond differently to each other. So, only a few specific people can see this nature of each of us.

I'm a childish kid. I have my childish ideas. I can be by myself. In a world filled with my own imaginations that come from my love of film, and the possibility of making something of my life in some of the work I occasionally get to do. So I'm not potential girlfriend material.

If you think I should get a boyfriend, maybe now I'll say no. If you ask am I trying to find someone to know then to appreciate, I hope I can say yes.

Right now, I will sigh in defeat. Yes, it still is true. I don't know love at all. I have yet to come to know any of it at all. Besides the love that I have for my family.

Oh wow. Seriously. How is this called a quick post? I'm getting quicker though. Kinda spent quite little time on this.

Dear God. How am I ever going to care for someone besides family and friends? If you give me time, in an environment with someone who cares about pretty similar things and well, cares about me, maybe I'll understand how that kind of caring comes about then. Just give me time.

Give me time and help me to see. I'm not turning away from it, if time lets it be. Just the way it should be.

I really try to be poetic, don't I. Yeah, I suck. Whatever.

Supernatural speech influences. Back to the real world now. Logging off Blogger, taking a shower. Yeah.

I've said some stuff, things go back to being quite the same. But now that I've said it, maybe I can let go of these words and be more certain of myself in the way I act.

And I go back to listening my teenybopper song, Jesse McCartney's Leavin', and enjoy feeling the romantic play of a teasing love and other stuff in awesome dramas like Supernatural. =)

Romance yourself. It's your most positive way of brightening up the world for yourself and others. Like, the Rmit philosophy professor would say, "Re-enchant the world", you know. It all starts with you.

Who the hell is 'you' anyway? In all those love songs?

People only see my analytical side. It's like I don't have a romantic side. It seems like so.

I'm absorbed with creating these romantic notions of my own in my head, and not displaying them in the 'real world'. I'm just an original dreamer, ok. :)

So maybe this needs to actually manifest itself more in actual reality.

.

.

.

I know very well now.

I deserve my share of a romantic side. That is what I want. That is what I will preserve. I have that, and I want to keep it, and I should have like, more of it.

I've never been that 'dark'. I think dark, only because that's how far I can actually go in terms of creativity, stories, film what not. I expose myself to a lot of films, light ones, dark ones. I have the craziest ideas in terms of fiction. But that doesn't mean I cannot be the normal person that I am. I'm so normal. I'm the best possible normal girl in the best possible situation. I've no messed up life, and I can have someone. And I will. You'll see. I'll fit. In a relationship.

I have no fantasies about real life in the real world, and I'm not some 'all dreams will come true' person, but I simply have a single, sure right to the romantic. As the girl I am. How could I forget! And think otherwise. Well, no more. I'm a girl. I'm a nerd interested in weird stuff. But I'm also a girl who's not rigid when it comes to love.

Romance is complementary; fills the empty void of cold hard realism. But cold hard realism is a guide for clear-headedness, and less hot-headedness. Romance will complete one, and makes one more accepting of the usual cycle of cold hard reality. But I'm also talking about the romantic determination (and not actual romance? Which still might just lead to the 'real thing' called 'love' though) to keep life warm and filled with love, however immature and unseeing (and unreal) it may sometimes be - that leads to the ultimate realization that real life is something else. But may be that is just good enough, you know? That's really all that's wanted and needed.

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you need."

And so. Don't give up on the romantic. Keep it.

Even if one is carrying ideas of romance which are slightly too romantic, no harm keeping them, and seeing where it all leads to.

On the other hand, to just take everything that comes, and to have no imagination? Is that trying? Is there any sort of realization what one ever needs.

I need - To stop blogging right here.