No, you know what? Let's get it out now. It's the time of the night, when it is best for thinking and writing. I can't do it with all that noise in the day.
My hair is a mess, and my head feels boggled having my mobile phone placed against my ear for the past one hour, but still I am fairly awake. I want to write. I want to just type. I want to say my piece, and serve it up right here.
Are these thoughts going to be straight-forward? I hope so, because I'm not feeling too sprightly and my body itself is slightly exhausted. So. Let's try to keep our spirits up, and get this wrapped in a bit. If I can keep to my word.
I am such a solitary person. Why do I not find someone else to talk it out, and end up ranting here? Probably because I think verbal conversations are not usually conclusive.
Okay, let us be honest once more.
I have to ask myself this question: Am I facing unhappy difficulties at work?
The answer is: No.
But to be honest, I just did not have a very happy week. That is all.
Am I okay with my work? Yes.
Am I okay with my colleagues? Yes.
Are my colleagues okay with me? Yes.
Doesn't everything look okay? Yes.
All of those are true. But there are obviously going to be other minor details in this post.
Am I starting to bitch about my work life right now, because I can't find a balance? Perhaps.
Are you always happy to be at work? No.
Is everyone else in your office always happy to be at work? Well, no.
So, you are all in the same boat. But now, you're acting all different again. You want to act up because you have repressed desires at work, but noone wants to express it more than you do. Well, that could just mean that you are barely trying to contain your repression unlike everyone else.
Why don't you give up the unnecessary struggle, and set your eyes on the really important things?
God, I really don't want to seem like an impatient and intolerant person to you.
I have individual needs that are different from others, that is no surprise since we all have varying needs. Should I insist on mine then? Or are others insisting on theirs? Does it even matter?
On a side note, I have been working hard and risen to the occasion of work. So, I am doing something worthwhile over time here. This is my job, and at least I can somehow say that I have owned it so far. Hah.
So, why do you assume that you're so different from people anyway? Do you really feel like the only one who is stunted in expression now? Don't dramatize things. This has little to do with expression. This has to do with getting by. This has to do with day-to-day survival.
Sure, you don't feel like you can keep up a chat with them like they know you and you know them. So what. Is that supposed to happen in just 2 months? Did you really expect that this would always happen wherever you go anyway?
So, you are cut off from each other sometimes. You say things to each other, and don't straightaway get it. That's okay. Ask for more. Ask for clarification. Find out what they are thinking. You don't have to insist on pursuing yours. You know it doesn't carry that much value when nobody really begs for it anyway. Hah. When you grow and are actually good enough, the time will come when people will just hear you.
Now, you just want to question them directly. If they think something is funny or not funny, so be it. Pursue that trend of thought, until it just dissipates into some other topic. You're not a follower. You're just interested to see what they'll do. You won't imitate just because you see someone doing something first. It's just convenient to you.
If they're laughing about something, they just need such laughs to lighten the day. The general gloom that everyone is vulnerable of after a long day.
You're not a follower. Don't lose your confidence over this. I don't really care anymore. I don't want to say something to every little thing. I just want to observe what other people are doing, and even when they suddenly direct me a question, I'll have a simplified answer to give. I can enjoy seeing the things people do among themselves. I don't have to have an acute appreciation for everything, but I can absorb everything with a sense of normalcy. No need to be alarmed. No need to clamber after responses. You're there to hang out, blend in, relax, hear what people think from time to time.
You're not there to be some kind of star. You don't need invitations to wherever you go. You see that people come together for company's sake, and you're there too to form part of the group and make connections about the things that go on during interaction.
It's purely how they like to be themselves, and I have no intention of putting those into any negative light. I can be neutral for all I like.
You know when you can be yourself? When you cease your worrying right away. When you realize that this really isn't going to get you away further from where you started. You have absolutely no need to think of some of your doubts about people as minor and insignificant either, because we all know that many more minor things have been said throughout the history of mankind.
Who is to say what is significant and what's not?
You can be yourself when you know not to let yourself down. When you let people let you down, you let yourself down. Those people have no designs on you whatsoever. They also get tired. They are just human beings. If they are not completely honest, who is going to blame them? Not yourself. Are you looking at human flaws? Why don't you try to just focus on the perks of seeing the ways each of them handle their boredom and their stress?
Do not be shy of looking them in the eye, and just freely making quick responses. Keep them short. Don't need to go too far. Get about as close as you can get, and the rest is not any problem for which you should worry.
Keep your simple life habits in place, and know that you are not shy, you are not inexpressive. You are you, and you cannot be bothered to present yourself on a pedestal. If that is not the way things work for you, just be glad that you have people with more work and life experience still hanging out with you, and it's not that they are not great people just because they do not move in tandem with you in talking things out, because really, the trouble of that can be saved.
These people are only trying to exist in the world like yourself. People are only trying to be normal people. They form thoughts about things, they broadcast it, they are not looking for approval, just as you do not have to be on a look-out for approval; when they hear a different opinion, they do hear it and but are free to say otherwise, or just ask what you mean in the first place; they do not get it, because they have never been where the other person's thoughts went, so they just simply have to reaffirm that the thought just did not stand out for them like their own initial thought (which is the truth anyway), and that's the end of it.
You'll get your laughs, don't worry you just will. In life, you can always find ways to make yourself laugh. And that's the way you want it.
Oh gawd, was this a stupid post. Lawd, this is kinda boring, and I'm going to sleep.
