Lol. I could have added Alfian Saat on Facebk, but I haven't, and I went and added Boo Junfeng, and the request is now accepted, and I'm in his 'friends' network. Hah. I left him -one- reply in response to a thought he posted about cynics who like putting ppl down about the possibility (or impossibility) of evading the censors.. Lol. That's it from me! Yeay we're 'friends'! Hahaha. Facebook is so effing cool. I also just asked a friend from secondary school if she worked on the set of his feature film cuz I saw some photos, and turns out she did.

...Dang... No sleep for me until wee hours tonight. My tardiness cuz of the weekend!! I do have to finish this work soon. I will.

Really sian right now. Cannot start my engine today. Have a poetry response essay to write. Don't feel like starting. But I've still some more work to do. And this poetry response is the one thing that I should do right now.

Was just reading Leonard Cohen's Book of Longing during lunch.

Blessed be the One
Who has sweetened
My Argument

Yeahhh. I cannot help but wonder at the futility of life. Seriously. I'm very happy with my life. But there are always going to be moments to wonder about that. Worst still, if one has to stay on in some place that really isn't very good for one's 'growth'.

See, the argument is always there. We just need someone to sweeten it.

I'm honestly happy lar. But there is beauty in coming across some work of art that inspires us and tell us what is wrong, and what could be better. That life is sometimes sad, but we have always managed to live through it. And the things we do for ourselves and other people and yada yada. I'm honestly happy because I have people to return to to be myself. Even if I think when I start work, the idea of 'being myself' will get kind of murky perhaps. But then, I may finally arrive at a 'better' self after all that. These are all just hypothetical discussions lar. Haha.

At the end of Wong Kar Wai's Happy Together, Tony Leung's character says he finally understand why Chang Chen's character can roam about freely. "Because he always has a place to return to" And, when Chang Chen's character has arrived at this scenic place which is his destination, he thinks to himself that he suddenly just feels like going back home. Nice scenes, eh.

The argument is always there. This conflict of what is, and what could possibly be. I am reminded of a line from a song, "How can a wave possibly be?" Bill Callahan's Jim Cain. I have grown very attached to this song, despite thinking initially that the singer's voice doesn't seem to fit the song. Found this song on a computer in my school's edit suites. I like stealing some unknown people's songs from the computer.

Backtracking about what I said.. There is beauty in coming across some work of art that inspires us and tell us what is wrong, and what could be better.. Works of art that tell us what is wrong or sad or whatever, inspire us to action.. Inspire us to really live, you know.. Inspire us about how we live.. In my Lit elective class, I'm doing Jane Eyre. I haven't read it. But I have a feeling I'll choose to read this book. Cuz it seems like she's a realist, frustrated with her real circumstances, but she is an inspired character that "does not want tranquility, and wants action".. Yet, she is not like her friend.. Who is more transcendent.. And yet this friend is more idealistic than realistic.. And this friend gives up on changing her real life situation.. Believing that life is more than the physical body.. o_o This friend dies in the novel, of course.

So people who give up on changing their life situation.. Are not always as wise as they think they are.. Even if you can't do much about it.. You let yourself down if you don't even want to face the reality of the situation.. Is it really of no help? To know things just as they are? However dark things are. If you refuse to know, I don't see how it is really any better.. Like J K Rowling says.. People who refuse to be imaginative.. See their own 'ghosts' too.. And they have no way of resisting the darkness. So to speak.. They have no way of knowing what it means to try and bring some light to darkness..

My post has dragged!

The argument is always there. I will never stop emoting when I write. But this is not the face of things I want to present to the 'world'. That is not the face of an artist. That is not what someone who wants to make some sense out of the world sets out to do. A lasting sense of life is not to be made through moping about it, or worse, bitching about it. Something like that. Because bouts of moping about life are just going to repeat themselves. They will fade away. Those are not the things that last. They have absolutely no point to them. They're just empty bags of wind. Kind of like farts. That is their only place in the world. Lol.

After all, there is no way of moping better than some other person can, is there? It's all the same. Unless one mopes like House MD, perhaps.

Just what do you see and want to take away with you in this world? (Right. Sounds depressing. Not meant that way) What do you take from it? What is your take? Is it only about all the shit that the world hands you? Or are you going to make it about how you take the shit that the world hands you?

LOL.

Right. So.

Poetry response. Bye.

---
Jim Cain
Song
by Bill Callahan

I started out in search of ordinary things
How much of a tree bends in the wind
I started telling the story without knowing the end

I used to be darker, then I got lighter, then I got dark again
Something to be seen was passing over and over me
Well it seemed like the routine case at first
With the death of the shadow came a lightness of verse
But the darkest of nights, in truth, still dazzles
And I wore myself until I'm frazzled

I ended up in search of ordinary things
Like how can a wave possibly be?
I started running, and the concrete turned to sand
I started running, and things didn't pan out as planned

In case things go poorly and I not return
Remember the good things I've done
In case things go poorly and I not return
Remember the good things I've done
Done me in

I hv to choose an industry to investigate.. Sg film industry lor.. Wow I've already been starting to research that, and looks like here is another chance for me to do so.

Is there much more I can find?

---

"Finally, like Charlotte, Jane becomes a governess—a neutral vantage point from which to observe and describe the oppressive social ideas and practices of nineteenth-century Victorian society."

"Jane will only enter into marriage with Rochester after she has gained a fortune and a family, and after she has been on the verge of abandoning passion altogether. She waits until she is not unduly influenced by her own poverty, loneliness, psychological vulnerability, or passion."

I think I need more 'passion'. Need to know where that is going to go? Instead of being all airy-fairy about it, perhaps I need to ask myself what I want for real too. Now comes the time to ask that question right. When responsibility to achieve what I want for myself now comes in. But obviously, just like Charlotte Bronte, what I'll always want is a bit of understanding.

I'll need to know how to show what I have 'passion' for, to show I want that something.

I do like my Uni studies at times.

---

"Royston Tan's award-winning 15, a graphic depiction of Singapore's underbelly, was only allowed after over 20 scenes were cut.

In February 2008, the Academy Awards acceptance speech for the short documentary Freeheld was censored by Mediacorp in the rebroadcast of the program due to the filmmakers' mention of equal rights for same sex couples.^[7]"

Wikipedia. How to work for Mediacorp. Work for Mediacorp, or work for the garmen.

Censorship in Singapore page has much more detail than Cinema of Singapore page. Like duh. Wait sekali my blog is gonna get shut down. Lol. Not yet. Not so infamous yet.

"On 30 June 2006, blogger mrbrown wrote an article, titled "TODAY: S'poreans are fed, up with progress!", for his weekly opinion column in Today newspaper concerning the rising income gap and costs of living in Singapore.^[16] Three days later, on 3 July, an official from the Ministry of Information, Communications and the Arts published a response letter on the same newspaper calling mrbrown a "partisan player" whose views "distort the truth".^[17] On 6 July, the newspaper suspended his column.^[18] Fellow blogger Mr Miyagi subsequently resigned from his column for Today. This was followed by Today newspaper chief executive and editor-in-chief Mano Sabnani's resignation in November 2006. The action fuelled anger over the Internet due to the perceived heavy-handedness action taken by the government over criticisms."

How to work like that? Work on internet.

"In September 2008, US citizen Gopalan Nair was sentenced to 3 months imprisonment for insulting a public servant after he accused a Singapore judge of "prostituting herself" in his blog."

Shit. I have nowhere to hide.

Discipline.

It's SO QUIET here at night! DISLIKE. Miss the "noise" back home quite a lot.

Leave message on Facebook really doesn't count for talking siah. And some don't even leave me message now lar! Hnng.

I will miss my housemate much when she moves away, closer to some place in the city! She talk on the phone and Skype with her parents and all, adds a bit of good background noise to the house. :)

Sigh.

Post on Facebk, not enough. So come and post here.

Where I can post very, very freely and as much as I want.

Sigh.

I really got verbal diarrhea. Got these thoughts on my mind what. Have to let them out. Somemore, I now keep having to write essay. Write and write all onto the computer... Sian mah. I have to 'verbalize' here also lor. Lol. Talk in my native lingo on my blog is considered 'verbalizing' in a more natural flow... Lol. Just so long as I can fulfill my immediate need to quieten my actively working mind right now. So dead man. I need to speed up on my essay writing. Ciao ppls.

Gotta go speed up. (I make too many fake attempts to end my posts) Nothing else happening in my life now la. Uni takes time okay. Especially now. Work work work. Life is work and play. Sigh. A constant shifting between the two. Got too much of one thing, complain. Too little of it, of course have to complain. It's all very futile. But complaining makes it feel more worthwhile. Alright, enough of my craps. Goodbye. Tata. (Second failed attempt)

I watched the trailer of Singapore Dreaming. It's very good that the china prostitute in the movie should mention "You Singaporeans like to complain so much, you think your life is hard?"

Lol.

Maybe when life is not hard, that's why got a lot of time to complain. But either way, also quite depressing what. Haha.

Why my life not hard enough is it! I should go work harder then. Ciao. (Third try succeed)

My internship time -has- taken away time for my assignments, and everything is such a rush. Oh God. Pls teach me the art of concentration. Let me finish this all up.

I got to remember I have more things to do than this internship. Seriously enough of writing the internship stuff for now.

---

I guess, writing is about first choosing the best things to talk about (those resources/arguments already available), and then deciding how I should/want to talk about them. Best to write about what you. know.

---

There's only one kind of people I do not like. Egoists.

Lol. It's a random thought. But pretty much the truth for me.

Wow. I'm working really late now. It's so late now that it's early. And I'm still not sleepy, and in fact, this work is still the easy bit now. I have to do late nights for the whole of this week.

I can be a really hard worker. As long as I do the work my way.

I don't think it's just my imagination. I think people in Singapore are now talking about how we can retrace the past, and do something for the future. And films seem to be involved in that. So.

Whee.

"One must have a mind of winter
To regard the frost and the boughs
Of the pine-trees crusted with snow"

Oooh. I think my mind is not really winter. LOL. Winter is too cold. I think a green forest is better.

A dark green forest with rain droplets dripping off the branches after a morning shower. Can you smell it? x)

As does Eliot, Frost often couples suggestions 0f private sorrows and griefs with statements about their irrelevance. William Pritchard describes the practice well in pointing out how Frost typically "[holds] back any particular reference to his private sorrows while bidding us to respond to the voice of a man who has been acquainted with grief". It is worth bearing in mind that, later in the conversation with Mertins, Frost says: "If you feel it, let's just exchange glances and not say anything about it. There are a lot of things between best friends that're never said, and if you—if they're brought out, right out, too baldly, something's lost". To similar effect, he writes in a letter to Sidney Cox: "Poetry...is a measured amount of all we could say an we would. We shall be judged finally by the delicacy of our feeling for when to stop short. The right people know, and we artists should know better than they know" I think of Eliot in "Tradition and the Individual Talent": "Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things"

http://www.english.illinois.edu/maps/poets/a_f/frost/woods.htm

I must, I must get decent grades this semester.

I want to graduate! No later than right this year!

I'm slow slow slow. Slow to start on my work. And that's all I can say in the semester. :( Time... More time please. Really? Is that what I want? No. What I want is to just. Do my thang. Okay. I'm off to do my thang. And do it well. Best as I can.

Tonight, I aim to get a significant amount of the poetry response written. Ok go. Go get it written.

Actually I'm f**ked. This work. Not even funny.

So busy now.

Today feels like a nice n normal day of sch. :)

Went to school, attend seminar with interesting media professionals organized by fellow students (my group has got one coming up to), talk with Kay, talk with a couple of other people in school, group meeting about short film (I'm writing the script - okay this part is terrible), lunch with Kay, come back home, feature article is churning out fine (unlike the film script) it's coming out nice and easy so far! Fourth feature. Hope to have more people liking what I write about what I watch.

:)

Alamak I am still feeling a bit lazy.

Had a weird dream. Gonna be brief about it.

So there was my brother and I. He said because of a horoscope (a very accurate one) or what not, some sort of prediction said my mother was in grave danger of dying on that day. And we were in our old flat. And I was looking down at people walking by from the window of my bro’s old room. And then I dreamt my secondary school classmate was one of the people walking by too.

(It’s really, really random to have dreamt about him actually. I dreamt about my ex best friends from secondary school a few days ago. So random as well. I didn’t think about them before going to bed yeah. That’s why all these are too weird to be explained. It’s like you don’t choose to dream these things. Dreams choose you as strangely as fate does.)

And then there was a fight downstairs. Just bullies pushing some guy around. And I was yelling to my secondary school classmate to go and help the guy out. And he did. So the fight kind of broke up, and not much harm was done. And it seemed like danger was high in the air that night. (Lol) And my bro and I hurriedly prepared to leave the house to look for my mum. But just when we opened the door, she was coming back with my dad following behind her. (Hey now this scene does look quite familiar =/) But they weren’t giving each other the cold shoulder or what not. Finally the dream ends with them sitting together on a couch, and I was telling my mum what my bro said the horoscope predicted. And my dad and mum were on normal good terms and all. And now I think the horoscope is a tad ironic.

Okay, so don’t ask me the ‘why’s, I didn’t ask to dream this up. Seriously.

But I can’t help but ask, why, does my mum ‘choose’ to come back to me in a dream for the first time in such a random dream. Really. Guess I should assure myself that this is actually reassuring. That the mind is a freak. xP Really, just trust the mind to come up with these things.

At least for this dream, I pretty much remember how it goes.

Imagination is higher while I’m having to do my work constantly like that. And it’s about time too, this is the second last week of the first half of my semester after all. But my submission of assignments goes up to week 15, so the work doesn’t really end with just week 12.

Ciaosuuu. Wish me luck in finishing up school work!

"I want people to care about Singapore’s film industry."

http://www.asiangayfilms.com/movies/singapore-movies/%E5%8D%95-solos-2007/

So touching.. Don't know why I so touched for what.. Lol.. But is it not exciting.. That we're at the starting point.. Even if say say only, it's still so touching to be able to hear something like this.. Even in Melbourne, I also haven't come across ppl saying that.. Hahax

---

Lol. I would watch this. I like the cast. Looks cute & unusual. I trust the story will be pretty good too..

http://www.asiangayfilms.com/movies/hongkong-movies/queer-story-%E5%9F%BA%E4%BD%AC%E5%9B%9B%E5%8D%81/

Reminds me of what I just read abt Loo Zihan's Solos... Older and younger guy.. I thought "Now that's too weird..." but this HK movie makes it look all normal.. Actually, if it looks normal, instead of all artsy, maybe it'll be easier to digest.. And would even be sorta sweet, and a viewer can see that yes, this sort of thing is real.. I don't like seeing melodrama overdone.. Only Shakespeare could do that..

Okay I'm going to stop my blogging until maybe the end of the week.

Royston Tan also made short film on gays in 2009! Alfian Saat wrote it. Whyyyyy? It's all the same people lor? I'm doing research for my feature. Definitely interesting.

---

"Ya, looks like some themes are quite persistent and worthy of ever more scrutiny, certainly of support. The gay life subject matter as such is fascinating precisely because it is a margin that the majority of people have a share in, one way or another. And whether it yields assent has less to do with what is being portrayed, than how the light’s been cast, I think. It is also the only valid reason I see, why a filmic statement on lesbian and gay issues remains a special filmic challenge and potentially rewarding."

- Quoted from blog site "proto-ymagon"

Hmm, good one.

---

I have to say.. If I don't get the gay stuff, then I guess that's just the way it is. It's not that I don't accept it. But I don't get it. Even if I am happy to accept it. Can one even try to understand? I've been watching other films like Wong Kar Wai's Happy Together and what not as well. I love the film. I feel for it a little too. Okay so, homosexual love is just love. So, love comes in many shapes...? But I don't necessarily feel for gay/lesbian films.. Duh, it should depend on how well made the film is as well. But this shouldn't be a trend, should it. It's not like some 'cool' thing. Just because something taboo is being addressed, so it gets the controversy and praise. Why is everybody praising Boo Junfeng? I ought to watch his films and then I'd finally find out for myself. Right now, without even being in S'pore, I'm catching whiffs of his name everywhere and his handsome face keeps turning up on my webpages. Damn it. Lol. The internet is making this guy a mythical figure for me. Ha. Well no. I just find it interesting. The things I can still find on the internet without having to be back there in SG. I like to see things like a puzzle. If I were to be force fed with what I'm supposed to think and know, then things cease to be a puzzle. (So it's better not knowing? What is this - House MD? Noo. House MD always wants to know. But hey, he only wants to know abt his cases but never about people. XD)

I would support all my gay friends. But what if it's also kind of heartbreaking for the non-gay people? xP I want to understand... I can barely make films now... There's so much more to understand... Things in the big picture... What differentiates you from me? What makes us all the same?

Gay people need acceptance.. But everybody needs acceptance.. I think people who don't get the issues homosexual people face need help too.. Can't expect everybody to straightaway get it.. Even if I straightaway get that nobody should be ostracized for who they are.. But then I am just one person.. One single open-minded person.. But yah, I only talk n talk, and no action. Okay, go off and write my article liao.

I don't need to just keep reading the constant praise. I need to watch those films right nw! xP

What makes a film beautiful? I want to watch those films. I want to see their way of expression.

Know what's also interesting? The guy sat in front of my friends and me at the National Museum years ago, among like six other filmmakers in a talk session. This idea of having seen someone before, and now they're making a 'comeback' is real interesting.

Ok, after this week's feature, I think I ought to leave the homosexual love theme aside and find something else. But hey, it's been pretty interesting so far, watching the exploration of sexuality in films. I'm kinda trying to write about those young angsty films as well. So I've seen the mv-ish style film, Eternal Summer. And another, Blue Gate Crossing. And finally, Happy Together. Don't think I've even seen enough yet. If I really were to go deep into the exploration of sexuality thing, I should include more rated stuff in my to-watch list too. Haha. Okay. Really got to go. Can't spend more than an hour here.

...Mainstream, 'non mainstream', can't figure out where I fit in at all. Maybe I don't. Maybe for now, its just time for standing back and observing, and then next time there might be a time for knowing what kind of film to step out with.

---

And I think.. A film is really about the art of expression and escapism. There are really no rules for it.

On a side note, I LOVE MY FRIENDS! (And I love my daddie and bro as usual) I really don't feel like studying without them around.

Lol.

But on second thought, I think I should.

But my friends are getting busy. :( Eh, I also should be getting busy aye.

Sometimes. It's so awkward. To swing between this dark self and this super childish self of mine. Lolz..... xP

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
written by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

---

Still the most memorable and beautiful poem by far.

Omg.. I thought I knew this poem through my brother, but turns out it's not. And turns out that this poem might have stayed in my mind all the way from Millennia Lit paper 8 days.

Uh oh... No more play time. Week 6 is full of assignments to be due. I am such a blur cock. Starting of week 5 already, then I see that week 6 is like - complete madness.

Wahhhh I'm gonna save time and not put contacts & makeup for school again! I will just go get my hair cut. And time to buy like gym wear for school or something. I have two (three?) more months of school left. I am not confident about making a film for which the script is just getting written. But then I have up to week 15 to hand in this film, and now it's week 5. God, I'm such an amateur. Which is why I actually wanted the director of photography role more than the director role this sem. But as luck would have it... And goodness, how much essay writing do I have to do. Inclusive of my internship. Obviously, I enjoy writing and the creative process. But now the work is full on yeah. Oh dear God, help me survive. Help me to actually be happy to deal with these semester-ly things. OH DEAR GOD, I WILL SURVIVE! BOY O BOY, WILL I BE PUTTING UP A GRAND STRUGGLE NOW! STOOPID MOUNTAINOUS CRAP OF WORK, YOU WILL DIE UNDER MY FEET.

:x

---

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us -don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

by Emily Dickinson

This is what I could write an essay on for Introduction to Literary Studies. Golly.

How public like a frog? Ahhh I get it! I was wondering how is a frog public anyway. A croaking frog is public, I guess!

My my, what a poem. A person only dares to say this sort of thing in a poem.

I would love to talk about this sort of thing among friends. So interesting.

---

The Road Not Taken
written by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

---

I have just applied to graduate ~~~~ !

"The room in which he interviewed me was much like an ordinary sitting room, with curtained windows, and a single lamp standing on the desk. Its light fell on the armchair in which he'd had my sit, while his own face stayed in shadow.

I had read descriptions of such scenes in books, and at first it all seemed like a game. After our conversation, however, I had a good look at him. He was a tall man with clean-cut features, deep-set blue eyes, a big gray moustache, and abundant, almost snow-white hair, and he gave me the impression of being highly intelligent and, on the whole, likeable enough. There was only one thing that put one off: his mouth had now and then a rather ugly twist; but it seemed to be only a sort of nervous tic. When leaving, I very nearly held out my hand and said, “Good-by”; just in time I remembered that I’d killed a man."

- The Stranger, Albert Camus

Reading before I write the script.

Am I really going to go back to Singapore after this??

Watched the Chinese epic movie Aftershock just now. So well done. :) It's a big scale movie, and yet it's so moving. Good characters. Good story. The characters even leave the country when they get older, but they return home to visit their individual parents and stuff. So touching.. They don't exactly have a complete family after the earthquake, but this whole movie is about family.

Am I really going to go back to Singapore after this?

Go and catch After Shock! I cried! Cried comfortably. Didn't even feel uncomfortable as when I watched Eric Khoo's Mee Pok Man or something. Lol. After Shock was so worth the ticket price. The cinema is still one of my favorite places to be. I liked watching After Shock with my China friend sitting beside me too. She cried more. HAHA.

Am I really going to go back to Singapore after this.

Well, wherever it is, I will still get tired with modern preoccupations sometimes. But when I watch something good, something that makes me feel again, it feels pretty darn good. I really cannot deal with the superficial man. But I do.

I want so much to know if I can be someone called 'me', or if something that I have to spend so much of my life and time upon has any use at all? I want to be happy. I want to be happy in a real sense. Without having to fake it. I want to feel something without having to fake it. But as happiness is always my top priority, I still keep myself happy. My happiness should not just be the from day-to-day kind. But of course I keep myself happy from day-to-day. I know the importance of that. Our loved ones help us through. Keep us happy. But though living life from day to day is a good way to go, I think there is also a problem with this kind of modern mentality. We need more rooted-ness. It's so hard (and boring) to keep dealing with the superficial. To not see anything 'new' around anymore. To just see the same desperation to fill life with the same old superficial crap.

Give me someone who knows what he/she is doing. Or who would at least admit that life is not perfect, and is crammed full of shit and hours that alternate between being with a loved one and being alone. Hours that alternate between feeling inspired and feeling totally like shit. Some people don't even have the former. At least I do have some friends and family. Who will spend time with me when I ask them to. Who are friends with me because I am me. But I get v. annoyed when friends disappear at any point. Ha.

When I do go back to Singapore, am I going to lose my feelings for what I love?

... But it's normal to want to talk about things in life like it's worth living. Lol.

So here is what I like about today.

I like After Shock. I like stories. I like stories about family. I like being a Chinese.

Lol..

I shouldn't spend too much time on blogging, though it just feels so good to be blogging again now!

And I wonder if I should also branch out to talking about my interest in more things besides film... But it always boils down to that... Because film is that wide... It's all encompassing. Film is representative of life. Okay, so here on this blog, I shall talk about life.

And now I need to go take a piss. (For real!)

Obviously, it gets a little bit tiresome when the semester starts. Yawns. Need break, need break. Need places to go. Away from the usual routine. Need a bit more help with my dumb student film projects. =S Gonna get down to writing the script this weekend.

I'm drinking Kopiko brand coffee!

[Note: This post will have me waxing lyrical...]

Sometimes finding a way to pass time, like tonight, doesn't seem that easy... When it's just SIANN... But anyway, no big deal. It's like any another night. And I could choose to find my best friends to chat with or sth. But I'm just.. tired.. Don't feel like doing a thing.. But turn on music.. Find something good to watch.. Till I get sleepy enough.. Slack night tonight... Stoning night, zoning out night, whatever-it-is night.

The night's good for wasting time and drifting off. And the way it drags is inexplicable. x)

Alright that's it, new Facebook alert haunting me. Gonna ignore Facebk tonight cuz it's boring tonight, and so MSN it is.

As SIAN as it will be from time to time, I use my time to absorb new things!

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Why have I not listened to Death Cab For Cutie's Transatlanticism right to the end of the song until now? The whole song is 'wow'. :)

And I'm reading a new $10 Penguin paperback, with collected poems by a guy who went on some journeys then became a musician, Leonard Cohen. The book's great. I'm halfway through. Poems about God (he writes as 'G-d'), and there are also pretty sensual poems. It's called the Book of Longing. Yeah, I do want to know what that would feel like right at the moment. I watched a pretty flat and boring Taiwan film last night about 2 gay guys and a girl. Story ought to be good, but I didn't feel a thing. Taiwan films can bore me out. Why explore sexuality? Don't know leh. This is just a question to be curious about. And like, films which explore that kinda get more attention artistically. Maybe. Still I didn't feel a thing for the film. For that particular film. So maybe next film to watch ought to be Wong Kar Wai's Happy Together. It might be tonnes better. The feeling of longing. How is that like.

The fabulous Death Cab For Cutie song that I said I happen to be listening to. The singer sings beautifully, "I need you so much closer"...

The song stretches on to 8 minutes, with wonderful soft electric guitar accompaniment in the background.

What do I need? Just these basic tiny little 'inspirations'. Is that it? I try to externalize it in my 'works'. I try.

Generation from within.

Tonight is 'slack night'. Start of tomorrow, I'll get to writing again. And appreciate the chance to produce sth constructive. I've got films to write about, and as well as a film script of my own to write this weekend. Quite challenging. It's good.

But on 'slack night', I lose the push to work on something quite intentionally. And read/watch/listen to stuff I like, and get impressed with the beauty of works that seems quite far away. It doesn't mean that I get discouraged. It's not just one piece of work that impresses either; it's also the combination of stuff that I happen to be tuning in to. Then I think about the sweetness of coincidence in this world. Sort of. And acknowledge that it is out of the reach of my reason. And so I do not reason at this sort of times.

... If everybody is lonely, why then would I hide my story?

... If I have to talk about something, I won't be talking about the normality of things.

[Waxing lyrical, as I say would be.]

The book of collected poems/writings/drawings I'm reading is AWESOME.

Gus Van Sant is openly gay... Like duh, I should have known right... Milk, My Own Private Idaho, and I don't know what else? Hmmz kinda checking out My Own Private Idaho now. Old movie with Keanu Reeves, and the late River Phoenix...

“Contemplating the cloudy sky and the massive trunk of a tree under a magical light is difficult when one is alone. Not being able to feel the pleasure of seeing a magnificent landscape with someone else is a form of torture. That is why I started taking photographs. I wanted somehow to eternalize those moments of passion and pain.” - Abbas Kiarostami

This semester will soon turn crazy.

And I'll never get started on this particular task of mine, unless I force myself to think abt it here now. If I have to contact a person to talk to with regards to career/industry matters, who would it be. Can I really contact someone from SG. Who do I know I can contact in Melb. I don't know at all. If I contact someone from SG, wouldn't it be just an email interview. I can't get that person to speak 'live' in Melb, can I. There's already no gain for the industry people to be doing this. Giving us free seminars. And I have no confidence in speaking to a person face to face, without actually being face to face. Right now, I don't have anybody in mind I want to speak with in an interview. Do I. I suppose I would rather contact someone from SG than from Melb right now... What's the good of having an email interview for the seminar. This is a little problematic, isn't it. Is there anyone in Melb to be thinking of. And I've already done an interview with the producer of Japanese Story...=/ Writers now? Aust Cinema writers? Like who... Finer Films..? Maybe. Just maybe. If they even have the time. They're in the midst of their feature. Well, I can try. Alright.

ANDDDD... It's days like these that I love Melbourne. :-) I've just been asked via Facebook by someone I've met once if I can translate Chinese for a documentary film about eleven year olds from all over the world. I'm pretty sure this is pro-bono work again. But probably won't take me long, and the film director is a pretty huge figure in the Melb indie film scene. I'm sure I'll enjoy this. =) Probably won't take me too long either. One of the last things I'll do here before returning to SG... Well, I got to know this person through the person I helped to edit part of his Melbourne tram film for. :)

"We are active rather than passive participants in the process and nature of truth. ...[Now] we might say that the obligation of the media is not to convey the truth honestly (because the truth cannot be known) but to convey the idea that there are a range of (acceptable and equally valid) perceptions."

Correspondence Theory – a proposition is true if it accurately describes reality as it is. Reality imposes what is true upon us – in so far as the Truth is out there. The most traditional of “truth” theories.

Coherence Theory – a proposition is true if it meshes with other propositions thought to be true (which may not necessarily describe reality as such). For example, Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings establishes a world in which it might be true to say Wizards exist because this proposition meshes with the set of propositions that together describe Tolkien’s world.

Pragmatic Theory – the truth is what works, or what someone wants reality to be. For example, if the existence of Santa Claus makes you happier then why not believe in him? Particularly if this belief extends your possibility of receiving presents!


Level 1 – Transcendental Truth,
Journalists cannot ascent to this level. It is beyond the journalist and all of us. A total truth and naturally it cannot be found or communicated.

Level 2 – Potential Truth.
This truth is composed of the aspects of Transcendental Truth that can possibly be grasped by human perception, research and rationality.

Level 3 – Selected Truth.
This is part of the Potential Truth that has been observed, recorded in notes, tape or film by the journalist. Thus, it is the raw material for a story.

Level 4 – Reported Truth.
This is part of the Selected Truth that the journalist actually reports. It is the most important part of the truth in the sense that it is the level that represents an event in reality. It is the part of the truth that the journalist can control.

Level 5 – Audience – perceived Truth.
It is the lowest level of truth in the process of message entropy. The journalist has absolutely no control over the amount of truth that he or she has on this level."

I felt a degree of encouragement today at the response to my feature article. Which will only translate to my desire to work harder to make whatever I write GOOD...

Because there's always the possibility of learning and more improvement.

:)

I do not have a lot of findings in trying to research on 'Singapore Film History'! How to write about Singapore Cinema if like that.

I'm not always a very realistic person when it comes to issues of time these days. It is now 3am, and I'm waking up at around 9am tomorrow to go see Hamizah! Which I am happy for. But what am I doing here, writing on my blog. And not feeling sleepy. And trying to make myself even less sleepy through thinking out loud on my blog. I have too many things I want to do. But then I end up getting distracted, and do like maybe less than half of the things I had planned to do. This is not good. Need to check myself a lot of the time now. Time checks, reality checks. Why so kan cheong? I am too much of a thinker, too little of a do-er. I will aim to be a bit more of a do-er and a bit less of a thinker.

Farrrrrr Out! Someone left a comment on my feature article, asking if I've seen Mr K's latest movie. People do read these article things. I gotta go. Wanna get my news article part done for this week. Mizah's coming to Melbourne tml~~ :)

"You almost forget the days when there was only one film school. Now, there are, like, five? So many film students, so many short film competitions ... A lot more people that make it harder for yourself to be heard," he said.

"But," he added, "I'm very proud to be a part of this community. It's nice to be part of this larger family of people who share the same dream."

Boo Junfeng, as interviewed for National Day! - http://www.todayonline.com/Entertainment/Movies/EDC100809-0000064/Singapura-dreamers--Boo-Junfeng,-film-maker

National Day! Went to the screening event. My guy friend's friend asked me for my number! I had a nice chat with him. But I don't think I like him that way. And I know what I'm talking about. And anyway, I gave him my number, and he's like super quick to add me on Facebook! Sigh. I don't think I have a very happening life. I'm bored like nobody's business sometimes. But the thing is, I know how to occupy myself. And keep my mind amused. And try to keep myself happy. And I am happy whenever I'm with the friends who mean a lot to me. I gather close friends slowly. Can I always rely on this friendship and love from my family? I can right. Are things going to change as time passes by? I'm not the kind of person to change. I have grown much by coming to Melbourne. But I still don't feel motivated to fill my life with material things, and I'm not too social. But I am a good person. And I have the ability to look at this world in different ways. My strength comes from within me. Sometimes, it's hard to be this diligent worker who thinks the only meaning in life is to work hard at doing something I could be good at. Having the ability to create something good doesn't beat having the people relations to get one to some position in life. I'm not social enough. I speak to strangers frequently, you know. And I always come across as this direct and open person. So that is my "confidence". And that is how I leave an "impression". And I do always try to create this kind of circumstances for myself. Get out there, and whatever few people I can get to stick around with me for a chat over a couple of minutes, I bring myself to chat them up to increase my knowledge of the different kinds of people who exist in the world. Haha. Sort of. I am so open, I am like an empty vessel. Sort of like an empty vessel, with a hole at the bottom. Not trying to sound too hopeless. It's just I'm so flexible, things come and go with me. I'm not desperate in a superficial way. Yes, I'm desperate for fulfillment like everyone else. But I just do not believe in finding it easily. I have not found love. However positive I may seem (and it's really not a big deal, I just have to be positive, everyone has to be), I do think that sucks. But the fact is. I have not found love. And I work hard everyday. To give myself fulfillment. To give myself little amusements. To give myself a little bit of happiness from day to day. And I try to spread it around. But I'm just a little different. I observe the ongoings of people around, and I kind of feel like I can't find fulfillment in other things people do. So I watch other people live their lives. And carry out mine so patiently. I'm desperate in my own way. But there's no other way for me to live my life but to concentrate on the small things that matter most to me. I hope to think that I do live big. I have kind of a small and cooped-up world. I take care of myself and everything.

But I have a very big heart. And it's going to help me reign over everything that's putting me down. I live big. I know how I want to live. And it can't really be helped when it gets hard. But I truly want to know what is living. In a very true way.

So I haven't experienced love. But I'll tell you this - I am so open to it. I just haven't felt it. I've come across maybe two guys whom I've felt were good guys. And others I make friends with. It should be perfectly alright to stay as friends with guys okay. My housemate so agrees with me. (But we're the more tomboyish girls then, I reckon) I'm not like a girl who only wants a guy as an escort, or just someone to stick close to. There is something called enjoying good company. And if it's not yet love, there is still many-a-thing to appreciate about good company. It drives the occasional loneliness away too. If you ask me, someone sincere to talk to is one of the most important things that helps drive away true loneliness. Then that loneliness can surface for a while and be gotten rid of, instead of staying deeply buried.

What do I think of National Day? Same structure as always. I skipped the past few years, and this year I make an attempt to watch it, and I can't say anything's changed or that it's very interesting!

But I do like the singing!

Ciao!

(Yes, I'm blogging again! Woohoo! I'm trying to put my understanding into words again! This is going to be good right? I will be more clear about the person that I am right? Hopefully, this is going to make my days feel more wholesome and my actions well-understood and worthwhile!)

Hooray! Eric K. feature is just about to be done! I'm satisfied. :)

Surreal is better than Real.

Turning something real into something surreal is better because it could be more evoking.

And that's my discovery of the day. :)

This is going to be a slightly useless post. I'm bored. Really, really bored. I just had to say this. Just stopped writing my feature, which is supposed to be due. Hoping to get up early tmr to continue. And life is boring. And it's mundane.

And I do not think 12 Storeys is that bad after all. Even if it seems obligatory that Meng should have a breakdown, I kind of like what he says: "What about me?! What about me?!" I am thinking of going off to watch a Japanese drama online now... Tatta Hitotsu no Koi. One and Only Love. Don't know a thing about BGL. But I'm off to watch it.

Don't like this post very much. But let's see what I have to say when I get back.

At least I stopped driving myself mad with doing nothing, and went on Facebook (again) and decided I would get one of my many mini videos uploaded. It's uploading now. And now I'm about to find a drama episode (another one) to occupy myself with. I watched House MD just now. Gonna switch to Japanese channel now.

YAWN.

Facebook Video Uploader is crapz.

Feature article - 1,154 words. My guess is it's about three-quarters done. I hope it's good. I made some comments on time and place in there. Universal themes, aren't they. So is it going to be impressive or what. I don't know.

I haven't talked about the film characters. I've just talked about place. Looks like the word count is not enough for me to talk about both. Isn't it too superficial to just talk about place in his work? I'll squeeze in a bit of commentary about how his characters struggle in their place then. But place is a pretty major thing in his work, isn't it. Mee Pok Man, 12 Storeys, Be With Me. Yeah. The places he records in S'pore... I feel most for Mee Pok Man's scenery, I guess. Maybe the generation after me is gonna feel more for Be With Me's scenery. When the time comes for them to reminisce about phone texting or something, after another more advanced form of messaging comes along. Like MMS. But what's there to miss about phone texting. Goodness. Is there lesser and lesser to feel nostalgic about? Maybe I wouldn't know. I didn't grow up with a mobile phone as my plaything. Lolz.

I missed using short-form text though. In fan fiction.

Okay, back to blog. Blogging in public. Two-storey MacDonalds in the city. It just rained but weather is nice. I've got 2 hours. And I just need to get myself continuing with the feature article again.

So right now, I'm thinking I have only just spoken about the cute Chinese guy jumping from his HDB flat and dying in the film. That is shallow. =( What do I really have to say about the film. Something that links up with his other films. I was planning to mention Mr. K's liking for horror. And how he includes ghostly characters in his films, but he keeps them as 'clean spirits'. I think this is a funny point to carry on the article with, so shall I write about this now.

And then how? See, I gotta think of another thing to continue with. Besides talking about the cute guy dying, and coming back as a clean spirit, and how it is a good idea to portray people trapped in the city like sad spirits, lost souls. I gotta link it. Link with his other two films. And say something more substantial about 12 Storeys on the whole.

Seriously. Why doesn't 12 Storeys excite much thought in me... It can't be that I don't like it... I was acknowledging that it's all so true while watching the film, wasn't I... Is it too realistic for me. Where got such thing as too realistic one. Should be the more realistic, the better what. Could it be that it doesn't stir up the imagination much? So I actually end up feeling less for it? Let's jog my memory... The characters. Guy who jumps, poor plain San San, poor suffering Meng with lots of bottled up frustration and feeling like his dreams were 'sacrificed' in having to provide for the family, Trixie who isn't given much option in life but to be 'who she is', Tee who is equally apathetic...

Sigh, am not concentrating. Got about an hour left. Noisy here. Weeellll, I can concentrate if I want to.

So the range of characters for 12 Storeys is pretty interesting.. And is there a connection between them? It's going to be easier for me to write the article if I can just establish the connections... I DONO... It feels like they all just have no reason for living... Lol... Then what could be my reason for writing on Mr E. Khoo.... Frickin' stuck again.

I think, I will just say, in 12 Storeys the characters live their lives like 'ghosts' or sth.. They feel insignificant.. Or, the young ones.. They feel like they have no motivation.. And this is what I like about the movie.. But maybe I like Mee Pok Man better.. Why.. Because there is resolution..? Is there resolution.. Bunny dies. Is that your idea of resolution.. Noooo.. There is resolution because all the revelations come out.. Yah.. Maybe because in 12 Storeys, there is no sharing of emotions, that it feels harder to understand and connect with the characters.. Although the portrayal of them is definitely right.. Is it really a must for the characters to talk about their own feelings, then you can understand them.. No right.. But somehow, when you see Meng cry, you don't feel for him as a crying scene should normally make you feel for the character? Hmm, weird... Lol... Funny how this is my idea of 'blogging' ! :x :x

But yah, I get it.. That the characters in 12 Storeys hardly feel anything.. But could it just be, that they are so emotionless, that the crying scene of Meng just doesn't seem to fit? 12 Storeys is not quite melodramatic. It's more like realistic hard-hitting drama. Feels kind of dry. The characters' pain should be dry and caustic? Therefore, when Meng's breakdown comes at the end of the film, it almost seems obligatory? Yes. Therefore, I DO like Mee Pok Man better. :)

Okay, I'm a little pissed off that my laptop just shut down when I can't wait to start blogging again, but I will just start writing my first sentences and then post them up on my new blog.

So, this is it. I'm getting so excited that I just put my comma and my full-stop in totally the wrong places like: "So. this is it," but I'm just connecting my internet back up again and everything will be ready to go in a while.

There. The connection is back, but just let me continue writing on note paper right now because it just feels damn good to see the ink from my pen flowing again. Ahaha.

Am I really back to blog this time? I know (yes, even I know myself) that I will have a lot of excuses to make about not blogging. Having no time is one of them. But, BOO that. Lame excuse. Is this going to be of any use to me? Writing and all. Of course. Writing gives me back my adrenalin. Goodness knows how I need that. How could I just watch every day go past now, without making any attempt to capture the days of my life?

I will do this. I will have time. I will write about the things that I'm nuts about. And I don't care that I have a job to do or whatever other "shit" and stuff. Lol. This is life. This is what I make of it. And whatever thing big or small, I will make sense of it. On here too. This is my space. This is my life. I do not know what I'll be talking about. But I've filled a page of my notebook now, and once I start, I will not stop. :)

But just for now, I will stop. Because I'm done with my post for today. Or, perhaps there'll be another later on in the day. Whatever it is, I was just thinking to myself: Maybe... Blogging is going to increase my quality of life? Hahaha. Talk about immeasurable benefits.