Sunday, November 28, 2010

Go back to Singapore need to work hard hard loh!!!! Must do that... Must remember!! Must Jia You!!

Sigh okay. So my this semester results were average. So maybe I need some constancy in delivering results? So be it! Oh please God... For my first job, let it be at least a little bit fruitful! Oh, let me start my arduous process of learning in the 'real world'! Sigh... I am so full of crapz... But its what keeps me going... So yeah. Let me earn some money soon too.

I'm still definitely not the smartest around, so I better keep learning fast.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010



Taylor Swift's song "Superstar"! I became her fan on Facebook. Lol.

I like this song can. ^^

My teeny-bopper song fix of the day.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

YARRRRGH, I'm bored.

Bored of packing. Still packing.

Don't want to go to school to scan passport and another document. But have to go sometime.

Yarrrrrh. I'm bored.

And the weather is now freaking hot.

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Mother, the 2009 Korean film, is a really well-written story. The way the development is handled. Wow.

Won Bin is awesome.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I have hair issues on most days. Itchy hands keep flattening it. -.- Grrrr. Lol.

Slightly neurotic people all have hair issues. Like Franz Kafka.

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Eeeeee. Supernatural Season 5 end episodes are boring. :(

Waiting for my movie to DL~

I wonder what made the ending eps of Season 4 seem much better! Must be hard to write a long-running show like Supernatural sometimes... For all it's worth, I will always love Supernatural! Can't wait to move on to S6.
I wrote a note to a friend on Facebook, sharing some of the thoughts/feelings I've had.

I wanna keep note of them here!

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I read the Alfian Saat story! Wanted to write you a note.. I'm packing stuff to ship home halfway, and I wanna get back to it, so I'd make this a quick note :P (A/N: Yah.. I lied. I always lie about the length of these notes of mine ^^)

1. In the short story, it feels like he wrote one of my daily night-time experiences! Looking out the window of my that 5 room HDB home in Singapore, and noticing the window on the right side of the block stays lit till quite late in the night like my own!

2. He wrote about his mother yeah... Personal touch much? Think his stories read like they're quite auto-biographical... But I know from his Facebk wall that him and his mum seem like a funny pair.. Haha.. But I just think the mode of his stories read like they're half auto-biographical..

3. I don't seem to want to write like half auto-biographical stuff myself for the moment! Any authors you like to learn the style of writing from? Some people think in order to learn how to write, we should write like the authors we like. But that would seem unoriginal..

4. I'm still really into fiction drama type things. Like packing real life stories into one drama. I even like docudramas. I think they can be lovely! Like knowing how in making a film, you're never totally honest, but still I think that kind of dishonesty can be made honest. :P Like some famous guy said before that art is a lie that aims to tell the truth? =p

5. I like reading local fiction / watching local films on an alternate basis. Singapore stories have a lot of soap drama, but they can really get us to connect with the 'heart' of the stories sometimes. So glad you're into local fiction!

Well, I was packing right. And I came across my old stuff, some of the stuff my mum gave to me. They're outdated already.. It's weird, but I have like a mini Prada bagpack and some old necklaces my mum gave me. Yeah, that sort of stuff which would seem a little antique. The Prada bagpack actually does look sort of antique to me! It's pretty good and simple, not like something a Guess bag would look like.

Anyway. Looking at those stuff - It feels kinda disconnected. It's like those stuff can't be bought in shopping centres today kind of feeling. Like "what is these stuff doing in my cupboard at all?" kind of feeling. Of course, I still keep the stuff. But it's not like they have any 'real' practical purpose for me anymore, not like I actually use those stuff. Those stuff are kept for another reason, I reckon. Sentimental much?

Can't really say so.. But I just thought, looking at those little stuff, they look like they're from another era.

I don't know how to sentimentalize about my mum. I won't see her anymore. It just feels weird... I haven't even been exactly fillial enough to have had one proper dream of her. But I remember one small one. Which wasn't full-on sentimental either, it was just a small glimpse of her I guess.

How does one even think of a mum who has gone away?

That's why for now, I won't even really try to write about my mum, my life in brief or what not. Some people 'create' little fiction stories every minute of their lives. Like microblogging. But I rather work on the 'big' thoughts, instead of rushing to create every little thing. I don't know... I guess I believe that this thing called realization or whatever it's called... It grows with one... Nowadays everyone can be a writer what not, don't you think. But I really just think that not all of the time, one can write something that really captures what a person is like?

Maybe it's because I've done film projects, I realize that working with whatever people and resources you have at the moment is the best thing one can do. But, it still is very important to keep working on one's 'big personal story', sort of.

When a person is able to create stuff that is connected with oneself, instead of doing it for commercial purposes or for the purpose of riding the cultural wave of the moment (lol), I think that's when an author is born. :P An author who knows how to write about what's human perhaps.

I've been wanting to check out my old photos and home videos when I get back to Sg! My brother did that before me... Maybe now I should finally take that 'memory trip' too! Those old videos will probably be damn good and amusing to look at.

And maybe if there's one short fiction about me I could write right now, it would be about how I was just thinking the other night, how I came to see why my definition of education is not restricted to grades and school at all.

It randomly came to me, you know... Scene at the Tan Tock Seng or something.. My dad and bro and me sitting with the doctor.. I don't like the doctor at all.. She said some stuff about my mother being sick, and I remember the scene and all.. Whatever she said just seemed like little, little details.. When what's more serious is that my family had to cope right.. And I was just at that kind of age.. Not knowing how meds could make a person have mood swings.. And my mum certainly had mood swings alright.. Now I'm watching shows and what not, and in those shows, they talk about how meds cause mood swings..

And it's funny.. I never got 'educated' that meds cause a person to become sick like that.. I was not mature enough at the age, and I wonder why I couldn't have learnt to see how cancer and meds have be dealt with in a more caring way.. Guess I think I could have done more.. I was just such a kid, and it was over all too soon..

And all that time, I only had the silly O and A levels to bother myself with... Why can't our parents explain these things more to us, you think? These things which are definitely so much more important than the O and A levels.

Now, I'm randomly thinking of Supernatural. Hah. Because it also has a Dad in the story, who was trying to do the best for his kids and all, but he tells them way too much. It's a great drama. Lol.

Hope you don't mind I'm dumping my little 'epiphany' here! Why I am fed up with the so-called 'education' I received in Singapore. Even though I met really fun people like you guys in MI. :D

Have you ever thought about any of the above?

Why in the world do so many people get sick in Singapore? Why do so many people there lose the fight to sickness? What's with all that stupid stress, and tiny little spaces that all the people in Singapore get caught up in. The domestic tragedy in Sg is just so hard to believe sometimes.

Friday, November 19, 2010

The boredom in me is urging me (while I now have the time) to write another fiction story of epic proportions.

If I can make this a fulfilling longer-term project, why not? While I have a bit of time right now.

I just went and saw Harry Potter 7! It was actually... Okay. It was kinda good.

My mind doesn't get blown that easily anymore. Hah.

Still, the movie is good.

But, now, I wanna write.

I don't know how much time I can spare, but I think I might wanna work on some short and one long piece at the same time.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Three years. Hell man, three years.

It has been relatively good.

Because I can remember it all quite fondly.

Unlike my CNA days. -_-

For which I have nothing to remember at all. And didn't learn a thing at all. Except that some people just like to waste my time, and worst, they waste their time. If they know how not to waste their time, they wouldn't want to waste mine. Lol.

I'm just thinking about my next job.

I'm just trying to make something out of myself.

I'm happy with the people I'm around in Singapore, you know.

But that doesn't count the general population. -.-

Only a few people who are important to me.

Somehow I'm getting myself ready to feel crushed in Singapore.

And bored to hell.

But I won't go down without a fight this time.

Now I know that I am capable of putting up a good fight.

Haha.

Nobody is going to tell me that I'm not capable of doing something extraordinary this time.

I look back at some of those years of education I've had, and they don't even mean shit to me. :P

Only the person I have become means something.

And in the years ahead, no matter how people might try to bear me down and bore me to hell, I now have the ability to recognize that I don't have to get hung up on everybody else's perspectives.

I have my own perspective, and if some people are just stubbornly blind to other people's perspectives, then I will know that I do not have to waste time with them because my time is only going to those who care about my perspective and allow and even encourage me to have a view of my own.

Okay, I'm tired! Off to movie in bed, before hitting the sack.

I think I need another escape plan. Two years later or so.

Friday, November 12, 2010

And I'm finally playing my Nintendo DS again! Getting brain training what not.

Trying to get more new games. Just spied a Spongebob Squarepants one. Lol, it looks cuuute.

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I just saw the Grey's Anatomy DS game, and now I'm searching for more of such cool stuff like crazy. Lol.

And Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Yesiree. I just got programs to unzip every possible format for the archived folders from the DS sites. Can't stop me now.

Everything works now. YES.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I haven't been blogging! Busy watching shows!

Update to my list of to-watch TV Shows:

Supernatural
Prison Break
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Doctor Who
Vampire Diaries
Mad Men
Dexter
Six Feet Under

I'm madly devouring films at the moment!

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I'm starting with packing my books first!

My God. Whenever I flip through notebooks I've filled with research I've done for my student films, I can't tell you exactly how it makes me feel.

It makes me feel good.

I just flipped through the notebook I filled with research on the morgue documentary I did last year. Plus generative thoughts I wrote to myself whenever I got stuck with a problem.

When will be the next time I fill a notebook with research like that. Tell me when.

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And now I've just looked through my emo writings from Year 1, when I first came to Melbourne. Lol. They're just rants basically. The time when I started asking the basic questions of Who am I, Why do I have to socialize with people, Am I changing, What do I do with these thoughts now that I have a mind, What am I doing here, and so on and so forth.

I'm past that now. I don't care about what everybody thinks of me. I only care about what some people think of me. And I know how people and things work. Slightly better than before anyway. And I know what to do with my time, and what to do with myself. Lol. This being called 'Me' - I believe I know it better now. Guess I've developed a slightly better sense of direction now.

I don't know how I made it here. But I did.

:]

Imagine the people who never get past the basic questions. To never understand what one could do, but to be just doing stuff all the time. Don't lead a life under an invisible puppet-master, man.

Now, I think I actually like to turn moments when I am emo into an expression. Because this ability to think and feel, you just have to deal with it once you realize it is there. Does this come with age? When did it all start for me? In 2008, the year I first came to Melbourne? It wasn't easy, but somehow now I know how thoughts and feelings are a pain in the ass (not so dramatic for me as it is in the TV shows though), but you don't just whine about them.

With the passing years, you just realize that you actually have to attach words and actions to your thoughts and feelings. That's when you're not just some dumb kid anymore.

But some of us still cling on to our right to be kids. Yes, it's our right. Why should we be forced to grow up in every single way.

So, to all fellow kids out there, the ones who are now old enough to understand what I'm trying to say here...

Playtime is entering a different level now.

Go make something of yourselves.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

"The more you live a certain way, the less it feels like freedom."

- Movie, I'm Not There

Wow. This movie calms me. Bob Dylan's music-inspired film. His music is always... I don't know how to say it! It makes one just fall silent - and listen. To his music, to his lyrics.

Great movie.

It's not just all calming... It's like... You kind of accept what is said about life in the movie, what the people say. The characters are based on real-life people. Who kind of become celebrities. But, at the end of the day, the film is really just about these people as people. Not as celebrities. That's real. That's not lies. These 'celebrities'... They're just people, aren't they. Not all of them are just trying to sell us something. Some people really try to be singers, and they end up being sold as commodities. And the movie actually shows how it can be kind of sad. Trying to avoid one's 'art' becoming some kind of product. And what is 'art' anyway? These people are really just people. And people like Bob Dylan make something more out of their lives which some other people will never bother to do. Dylan just likes to sing, and sadly because of how good he becomes at it, people never leave him alone and let him be.

This is a GOOD movie. Such a great portrait-painting kind of movie. I enjoy it much more than Walk The Line. I don't remember enjoying Walk The Line too much. It's a Hollywood drama based on Johnny Cash's life, but maybe they should have done it in a less fictional mode.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Sigh, I really love Supernatural.

Lol.

Fantastic, fantastic writing. Geesus.

Gotta get me hooked on more shows.

But this one by far... Has been so, so SATISFYING.

:P

Skipped one movie night for TV series night tonight. Full speed ahead!

Second half of Season 4 gets really GOOD.
'O brothers, who amid a hundred thousand
Perils,' I said, 'have come unto the West,
To this so inconsiderable vigil
Which is remaining of your senses still
Be ye unwilling to deny the knowledge,
Following the sun, of the unpeopled world.
Consider ye the seed from which ye sprang;
Ye were not made to live like unto brutes,
But for pursuit of virtue and of knowledge.'
So eager did I render my companions,
With this brief exhortation, for the voyage,
That then I hardly could have held them back.
And having turned our stern unto the morning,
We of the oars made wings for our mad flight,
Evermore gaining on the larboard side.
Already all the stars of the other pole
The night beheld, and ours so very low
It did not rise above the ocean floor.
Five times rekindled and as many quenched
Had been the splendour underneath the moon,
Since we had entered into the deep pass,
When there appeared to us a mountain, dim
From distance, and it seemed to me so high
As I had never any one beheld.
Joyful were we, and soon it turned to weeping;
For out of the new land a whirlwind rose,
And smote upon the fore part of the ship.
Three times it made her whirl with all the waters,
At the fourth time it made the stern uplift,
And the prow downward go, as pleased Another,
Until the sea above us closed again."

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXVI

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While I was still the form of bone and pulp
My mother gave to me, the deeds I did
Were not those of a lion, but a fox.
The machinations and the covert ways
I knew them all, and practised so their craft

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXVII

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And thou shalt see I am Capocchio's shade,
Who metals falsified by alchemy;
Thou must remember, if I well descry thee,
How I a skilful ape of nature was.

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXIX

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When him I heard in anger speak to me,
I turned me round towards him with such shame
That still it eddies through my memory.
And as he is who dreams of his own harm,
Who dreaming wishes it may be a dream,
So that he craves what is, as if it were not;
Such I became, not having power to speak,
For to excuse myself I wished, and still
Excused myself, and did not think I did it.

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXX

Omg, this dream speech is brilliant. So reminds me of the Supernatural episode, What Is and What Should Never Be too.

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This one is Nimrod, by whose evil thought
One language in the world is not still used.
Here let us leave him and not speak in vain;
For even such to him is every language
As his to others, which to none is known.

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXXI

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Here it is morn when it is evening there;
And he who with his hair a stairway made us
Still fixed remaineth as he was before.
Upon this side he fell down out of heaven;
And all the land, that whilom here emerged,
For fear of him made of the sea a veil,
And came to our hemisphere; and peradventure
To flee from him, what on this side appears
Left the place vacant here, and back recoiled."
A place there is below, from Beelzebub
As far receding as the tomb extends,
Which not by sight is known, but by the sound
Of a small rivulet, that there descendeth
Through chasm within the stone, which it has gnawed
With course that winds about and slightly falls.
The Guide and I into that hidden road
Now entered, to return to the bright world;
And without care of having any rest
We mounted up, he first and I the second,
Till I beheld through a round aperture
Some of the beauteous things that Heaven doth bear;
Thence we came forth to rebehold the stars.

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXXIV (Last Act)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I wonder... Sometimes I feel like printing photos! Yeah, I feel like doing that very much. So I can actually have those photos in my hands. Beats just having them on the computer. Would be good to have a collection of sorts. And I'd print any strange photo I have taken, doesn't have to be photos of anything specific. But like the kind of photo I took without exactly knowing why, but I just know that the photo will turn out looking nice and interesting.

Yeah, maybe I just want to be there "in the moment", and capture it right while I'm there. That's what I want to do when I take photos? I'm not sure.

I'm all for naturalism. And just only tweaking it in terms of perspective.

My photos aren't very professional. But anyway. I would like to print them gradually, and with them put together, I hope to see there's some kind of interesting vibe going on there.

Watching Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones yesterday also makes me feel like doing this! The girl in the film prints her photos, and she's such a lovely story character too.

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My Master said; "for sitting upon down,
Or under quilt, one cometh not to fame,
Withouten which whoso his life consumes
Such vestige leaveth of himself on earth,
As smoke in air or in the water foam.
And therefore raise thee up, o'ercome the anguish
With spirit that o'ercometh every battle,
If with its heavy body it sink not."

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XXIV

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Supernatural Season 4 feels a tad draggy! But I still love the creator of the show. Can't wait to see the angel Castiel feature more. He's a mixed up one. :D And seems like he's struggling to understand how to be good too. Whoo. So hot.

Lol.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

"I'm too serious to be an amateur, but not enough to be a professional. A more miserable life is better, believe me, than an existence protected by an organized society, where everything is calculated, everything is perfect."

- La Dolce Vita

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I'm in the mood to write Supernatural fanfiction! Just a one-shot quick short story kind of thing. Hmm, wonder if I should waste time on that now. Hah. Just because it's unfair the way they've treated the character of Ruby! So wasted her good potential. I think she's gonna turn bad. Which is only natural. But I still feel like she could have turned out good.

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"How very cautious men should be
With those who not alone behold the act,
but with their wisdom look into the thoughts!
...
Aye to that truth which has the face of falsehood,
A man should close his lips as far as may be,
Because without his fault it causes shame"

- Dante's Inferno, Canto XVI
Oh my Gad, Oh my Gad. I am being blown away again.

The abridged version of Dante's Inferno, as read aloud by Heathcote Williams - It's brilliant.

The language is more modern, and yet this story - It's blowing my mind right now.

This book, Dante's Inferno, is a classic for a reason.

It's like a movie running in my head now, and it sure provides material to excite the brain. I'm not trying to develop tastes for paganism or anything like that, but this - This kind of classic story and imagery... Is way awesome.

It's of epic proportions. Think Shakespeare. Think big questions. This kind of stuff is truly good material for the stage. The theater of the mind.

It's all very interesting.

It's about Man. It's about Good, and Evil. It's so not pagan. u_u

It's about all that Man can be, in fact. That's why it's a classic. I love it when Man gets to rant about choosing between Good and Evil, and all that heroic crap. :)

I like stories about human nature.

Can I possibly become a writer or something along that line?

Is this a phase? Or do I really only like writing stuff; being on the creative side of things?

Okay, stop blogging. Going back to the CD, hey.

Anyway, because I'm sort of on break now, I'm gonna get my hands on all these movies and books which I normally don't have time to consume. :)

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"When thou shalt be before the radiance sweet
Of her whose beauteous eyes all things behold,
From her thou'lt know the journey of thy life."

- Dante's Inferno, Canto X

Referring to the original text online while listening to the abridged modern version actually takes me through the book a whole lot faster and easier. I'm one-third through it.

Friday, November 5, 2010

I love PLAYING DETECTIVE!

Whee!

Seriously, I do.

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I think, for a truly great film, Character has to be stronger than Story.

La Dolce Vita a turning point in cinema: Scorsese

But unless it's like Baz Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet, or The Motorcycle Diaries or something. Where spectacle also blows you away.

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Wow. I like this cartoon. Lol.



I think it's funny kinda like how the evil bunny is funny. So cute!!! But watch out for the evilness swirling around its feet. Hahah

Look at those white eyes. Looks like the Winchester brothers have some exorcising to do.

Plus I love that he's the Monkey King!





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I'm reading Dante's Inferno again. Could never get through it. Still can't! I'm reading it in the form of an audio book this time. Chance find at RMIT Library. Never appreciated audio books better!

I'd bet that Supernatural writers refer to Dante's Inferno for inspiration all the time.

I actually found some of the pictures they used in the show in the booklet that comes with the audio CD.

And I just found that there is the use of the name Rubicante in Dante's Inferno. That figures! Ruby's name on Supernatural.
Andrew Garfield, you're so good! Jesse Eisenberg, so are you. :)

I knew I was onto something when I discovered Andrew Garfield from The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. And now he's the new Spiderman. Attaboy. Lol.

Fincher, love you as always. The scriptwriter, Aaron Sorkin, also deserves credit.

Talking about The Social Network.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Vheeee... I think I'm going out for another movie later tonight! Still have got movie kaki here. :D

Catch up later, bloggie!! Haven't talked to friends in Sg for some time, and will get to that soon :) It's harder when I can't actually meet them.. Well, going back home soon anyway!

Going off now.

And I don't like to post such updates about myself going out on Facebook, coz I prefer just updating my movies list there :P Not like I have different play dates to post about all the time, so yah anyway, Ciaoz
Steven Soderbergh's film Sex, Lies and Videotape is a VERY SEXY film.

In a very good way.

It's so not a dirty film. It actually makes sex look good. Yeah well, sex is not explicit in the film at all. On the other hand, porn doesn't make sex look good. Porn is a load of crap. :)

I have a new found admiration for Soderbergh's work! Couldn't get through Crash the first time, and nope, it's not that Crash with the Oscar wins? Don't know if I'll ever try watching Soderbergh's Crash proper again. But he's pretty good. The real kind of filmmaker, so to speak. And he has another even more famous film called Traffic, which I haven't seen but I will.

This month is my one time to watch all sorts of movies! Full speed ahead!

And yet, maybe I do want to go back to Singapore and start work. But - NOT RIGHT NOW! I have NOT had enough of watching my movies yet. Heck, I just started tonight! 2 movies down in one night.

And how could anyone stand porn? Porn is boring. Lol.

Only idiots get sucked into it. That term is probably really applicable to those who can't get themselves out of it. Grrrroooow up. Can't face up to their own man/womanhood. (=_=)

Watch movies. Don't watch porn. If you don't want to think, there are still movies for that, and not just porn.

What works for me is if I'm actually given something that totally effaces my need to carry on with my own thinking, because the film provides its own world of thought and I'm just blown away with it. That is how something great makes you think/feel but also frees you from thinking/feeling the same as always all at once.

I wonder what is the good of porn. Why is it so important eh. There aren't any better substitutes?
I don't look forward to going back to Singapore too much! I just miss friends and family!

But I don't look forward to the weather, or look forward much to the work at all.

Well, it's now time for me to have a short little break though! I'm watching all the shows and movies that I can, and reading and checking out music and all that stuff. Just all the stuff that interests me. Just got a little bit more time to do that for now!

I think, it's either I want to become a scriptwriter, or I should work my way up to becoming a director. It doesn't seem so easy for me to become a director of photography / the cameraperson.

And I want to work on drama. And yet, Singapore doesn't have all that fantastic drama stories in the film industry. The imagination is just not quite there yet. Gain experience first then say. But I definitely think telling drama stories in some other country's film industry seems more interesting. I'll just have to see.

If the stories in themselves are not imaginative, I wouldn't even bother being the cameraperson, because I won't be excited about how I can frame up the story, ya know.

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Disclaimer: Not my video or my song!

Wow I love some of these fan videos! They're cute, and give a warm fuzzy feeling! Hahaha. They're my two fav actors for now, and they so rock. Plus, I get to get addicted to some of these uber nice songs which have so many listeners on youtube, hence proving their popularity, but I'm just getting to hear them now! At least I can now find more of these songs and not just know about Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" or sumthin. :^)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

"Edgar Allan Poe, Herman Melville, Washington Irving, Nathaniel Hawthorne. All these people wrote for children. They may have pretended not to, but they did."

Hahaha! Yes! I discovered Edgar Allan Poe in the Tampines Library when I was a kid.

I discovered the macabre stuff when I was that young. And it sure is cool to know that it was written for me! Who says children can't handle that stuff? :D It's the most awesome stuff. Lots of kids can appreciate horror!

I wanna read Moby Dick next.

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"So being able to accept responsibility, but above all having a sense of humor, so that anything that happens can have its amusing side."

"I find this in most fields. The need for romance is constant, and again, it’s pooh-poohed by intellectuals. As a result they’re going to stunt their kids. You can’t kill a dream. Social obligation has to come from living with some sense of style, high adventure, and romance."

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And btw, I cannot wait to release my 2010 short film The Interview. :-)

I hope I can 'go places' with this film man! I think, at least, there's no horrible production mistakes in this one. :-D

Tuesday, November 2, 2010



This song came in one of the really epic emotive scenes in Supernatural! I mentioned that moment before. Such a good song. Just listen to how deep this really is, and those lyrics... Will blow you away. Actually just the whole sound of this old school guitar type song. Just real deep.


Disclaimer: Not my video! Nice song :D
(Just read the conclusion way below :P)

OKAY. OUTBURST. QUICK ONE.

Revelation. Whatever you call it?

I am angry. No, I am sad. No, I just don't get it.

Haha. Okay.. I should cool it yeah.. I'm not anything. I just have to say something.

And it's going to be random again.

A Singaporean guy friend, who is honestly just a friend of mine, has been going out with a girl for one month, and I just found out, and he would have told me but assignments just kept us busy, so I just met up with this friend for a movie today and found out!

I'm not jealous. I just feel weird finding out at such a random point. I always seem to find out about people dating other people at random times, though they don't keep it from me. These are my friends I'm talking about yah. Even Kay has gone out with a guy. And these things just seem to happen like they're all normal. And the thing is, yeah these things are supposed to be normal.

It's like this guy friend didn't announce it on Facebook or anything yah, so I don't mind that I find out a little later because it's not like he wouldn't tell me in specific. Anyway, the telling part is not exactly the point of this puzzlement I have.

And his girlfriend just joined us for grocery shopping after the movie the two of us watched. So isn't that kind of weird that a girlfriend (from China too) suddenly sort of pops up. Ha. Anyway.

And I'm telling you there's no scheme or anything, or jealousy or anything of that sort. So just hear me out.

I'm afraid I'm not very good at getting to the point straightaway. Hope I don't lose sight of it.

So.

I'm slightly tired now anyway. Hope not to rattle on and on. Quite a lot of the time, I'm tired/bored/emo. But it's just like Jane Eyre would say. She is rarely sad, but just tired. Her energies not finding enough avenues or something perhaps. Haha. She is supposed to be a passionate 'feministic' character after all.

And I still have other things to do, despite the fact that school's out! I'm not that much of a slacker yo.

Anddd, back to my argument - that is forming in my head just about now.

Why do my friends get girlfriends/boyfriends? And why do I not even care? How can I care? It's because I don't understand it. Can someone please, please help me understand it?

Why do my friends get girlfriends/boyfriends, and I feel left out? Duh. It's none of my business. But I try to see if I can make any sense about it. I try to care that other people are having girl/boyfriends, so I can appreciate how there is such a thing as caring deeply about some other person in this world.

But of course, I'm not the one who is supposed to be able to see their bonding with each other.

But I get almost nothing. What? What is this? What is this thing called 'relationship'?

For someone who tries to be sincere about all this (i.e. me), I do not see or feel even the simplest thing.

Is it just loneliness? Because, I hope you can tell me it's not just loneliness.

I hardly give a crap about that. Haha. Sorry for the language. It's just me being honest.

And I don't like people who give too much of a crap about it either. Come on... It's equally hard for everyone. Why should one shove one's loneliness into everyone else's faces? That's self-centered neediness.

Wait, can I just restate that it's not that I don't believe how my friends or even family do not have real feelings for their partners. It's not like that. I'm not unfeeling. I don't know if this post sounds cold, but do you find that I am a cold person? If I have always seemed like a cold person, that would be the one thing in the world that would make me feel crushingly sad.

The way I live my life is that I never want to be cold. Don't you know how I'm always open, but yet at a distance first, observing just how I could belong. But I have never made it a point to be cold. I make such an important effort to never to be cold to people. I'm a people person in this smallest way.

I know my own family has felt feelings of love. Don't you know that makes me feel glad. When my friends talk to me of how they have cared for someone, it feels important for me to hear them share with me such things.

Isn't this the very thing that 'makes the world go round'?

So tell me.

Why do I get this puzzlement and frustration sometimes? I can -never- understand how the whole world functions on 'love'. Because not all of it is the real thing. Still, I'd also say 'sure sure' to the 'real thing'. Because none of this can be defined. It is not meant to be defined anyway. Yet it's the most greatest thing that can exist, I still believe.

But right now, noone has taken me to that point of belief. I've not been moving towards that myself either.

But don't call me weird. I certainly already feel like just a bit of a loser that I'm 23, and I do not have a boyfriend. And when I feel like getting defensive, I'd say.. "So...? It's just not my time yet..." or something along that line.

But who cares what I have to say to that. I don't even care what I think of this... Maybe it's my attitude that matters. It's only my attitude that matters. Attitude translates to action. I don't even want to give any reasons, share my understanding and such...

Because, I do not understand it... I don't really understand why I have to find out so superficially that friends have girl/boyfriends, and I look at it all like I'm just out-of-place. The world just keeps turning on in this way, and I have been strange enough to have not been able to get into this sort of thing.

I'm going to need some kind of conclusion for this post.

1. I am a little bit of a tomboy. 2. I don't flirt in a girly way. Maybe only sometimes with nice-sounding words. And therefore, I'm not presented as a girl with that sort of girly charm. I don't go into relationships. I'm looking to laugh with someone and look out for someone, who has a need that makes him not just needy for himself, but reliant on me as I might likewise receive the same from him. That kind of need is mutually real.

But I go home, and I have that kind of unconditional love from my family. And then I really don't have to care. It doesn't bother me. I'm not feeling too hurried to rush into all those kinds of usual ways of settling down.

I want to meet someone. I am not that hot and sexy. So I'm not trying to be all that stuck-up at all. But just who might that someone be? Someone who can get some of these things that I do, some of these things that I say. Or is that too much? Am I getting self-absorbed myself now. How is that too much if I just want to have time for the person, and even when little tantrums or worries about life come in, each of us will know the other person can look over the minor tantrums and see the general good-humor inside. And I still am superficial. Looks is not right at the top of things, but don't you think my eyes (including everyone else's) just look for that?

But, wouldn't someone who can respond to this 'good humored' specification of mine, without either of us having to leave when life changes, just show up already. We all respond differently to each other. So, only a few specific people can see this nature of each of us.

I'm a childish kid. I have my childish ideas. I can be by myself. In a world filled with my own imaginations that come from my love of film, and the possibility of making something of my life in some of the work I occasionally get to do. So I'm not potential girlfriend material.

If you think I should get a boyfriend, maybe now I'll say no. If you ask am I trying to find someone to know then to appreciate, I hope I can say yes.

Right now, I will sigh in defeat. Yes, it still is true. I don't know love at all. I have yet to come to know any of it at all. Besides the love that I have for my family.

Oh wow. Seriously. How is this called a quick post? I'm getting quicker though. Kinda spent quite little time on this.

Dear God. How am I ever going to care for someone besides family and friends? If you give me time, in an environment with someone who cares about pretty similar things and well, cares about me, maybe I'll understand how that kind of caring comes about then. Just give me time.

Give me time and help me to see. I'm not turning away from it, if time lets it be. Just the way it should be.

I really try to be poetic, don't I. Yeah, I suck. Whatever.

Supernatural speech influences. Back to the real world now. Logging off Blogger, taking a shower. Yeah.

I've said some stuff, things go back to being quite the same. But now that I've said it, maybe I can let go of these words and be more certain of myself in the way I act.

And I go back to listening my teenybopper song, Jesse McCartney's Leavin', and enjoy feeling the romantic play of a teasing love and other stuff in awesome dramas like Supernatural. =)

Romance yourself. It's your most positive way of brightening up the world for yourself and others. Like, the Rmit philosophy professor would say, "Re-enchant the world", you know. It all starts with you.

Who the hell is 'you' anyway? In all those love songs?

People only see my analytical side. It's like I don't have a romantic side. It seems like so.

I'm absorbed with creating these romantic notions of my own in my head, and not displaying them in the 'real world'. I'm just an original dreamer, ok. :)

So maybe this needs to actually manifest itself more in actual reality.
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.
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I know very well now.

I deserve my share of a romantic side. That is what I want. That is what I will preserve. I have that, and I want to keep it, and I should have like, more of it.

I've never been that 'dark'. I think dark, only because that's how far I can actually go in terms of creativity, stories, film what not. I expose myself to a lot of films, light ones, dark ones. I have the craziest ideas in terms of fiction. But that doesn't mean I cannot be the normal person that I am. I'm so normal. I'm the best possible normal girl in the best possible situation. I've no messed up life, and I can have someone. And I will. You'll see. I'll fit. In a relationship.

I have no fantasies about real life in the real world, and I'm not some 'all dreams will come true' person, but I simply have a single, sure right to the romantic. As the girl I am. How could I forget! And think otherwise. Well, no more. I'm a girl. I'm a nerd interested in weird stuff. But I'm also a girl who's not rigid when it comes to love.

Romance is complementary; fills the empty void of cold hard realism. But cold hard realism is a guide for clear-headedness, and less hot-headedness. Romance will complete one, and makes one more accepting of the usual cycle of cold hard reality. But I'm also talking about the romantic determination (and not actual romance? Which still might just lead to the 'real thing' called 'love' though) to keep life warm and filled with love, however immature and unseeing (and unreal) it may sometimes be - that leads to the ultimate realization that real life is something else. But may be that is just good enough, you know? That's really all that's wanted and needed.

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you need."

And so. Don't give up on the romantic. Keep it.

Even if one is carrying ideas of romance which are slightly too romantic, no harm keeping them, and seeing where it all leads to.

On the other hand, to just take everything that comes, and to have no imagination? Is that trying? Is there any sort of realization what one ever needs.

I need - To stop blogging right here.