I'm doing a film! My last student film? And that makes me happy. BUT. (Hahaha there's always a but for me) I'm pretty tired today. Camera box so damn heavy. Slept too few hours. Always do when there's a film project. But I feel slightly less than inspired. Shooting day might turn out to be inspiring though. But the challenges and responsibility is there too! I like it, I really do. But sometimes, without talking about all these reasons to get excited, I feel less than inspired. I love working with people on a film. But there are also a few times I keep a little more quiet. And there seems to be less to say. Like a certain song goes. Sometimes, there really isn't much to say. Like with regards to why I do this. I don't know. I'm too existentialist. I really have not much 'meaning' to make out of life. There is no such 'meaning'. Life is life. While I have all this action, I'm happy, and I want more action. But.. Life is still life. Lol. Seriously, my mind has nothing good to go on normally. I'm such a crapper. Lol. Still life.. There's a Chinese film with that title, and it's pretty famous, and the title makes me pretty curious about it. Life is life. Action is action. Happiness is all in one's mindset. And I. -- I want my imagination to run free.

It's weird. Have I come to think that I don't just want to do a film on my own? Because all my favorite films blow me away, but I don't even aspire to follow in their footsteps or anything? Because they're TOO GOOD? If I want to generate some kind of response or feeling, am I going to count on my 'ability' to write then? Is that how I want to generate something different in response to something else?

Am I very hard to please? Why don't too many things amuse me? Even if supposedly I laugh a lot? Laugh out of awkwardness or what.. Lol.. I like to be amused. I want to find my own amusements. I really like life to have a bit of humor. Real humor. Like the humor should come from within a person. Even if with regards to my interests, I'm naturally inclined to DARK stories. :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_crimes_in_Singapore

My interest in crime and investigation is of no use in Singapore... >.<

This can really feel very SIAN sometimes.

But I guess I don't mind work that much.

It's always doing one or the either. Work, or Idle.. I want to read Bertrand Russell's "In Praise of Idleness". See, I haven't been reading or watching films again! Back to work.

I just saw the plot sypnosis of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.. Always wondered why the Sundance film festival is called that.. Is it because of this movie?? Anyway it's a famous movie.. Which I always had in my list of movies to watch.. I'd push it right up to be the next one I watch soon.. Anyway the plot is about 2 robbers.. One of them is the one with ideas, and the other is action and skill.. I always believed in complementing people that way! Haha. I'm the one with ideas la.. You want me to have skill, got to get me some proper training rite?? Haiya. After Uni larh. Anyway, I'm just someone interested in ideas anyway.. I'm quite happy with my team mate with whom I'm doing my short film though. Hopefully, this weekend the shoot is going to go well. *cross my fingers*

Uni can really feel quite sh*t sometimes! Like, how about giving us more technical learning?? Everything also learn myself! No mentoring from the tutors!! Seriously. Especially in third year. I tell you... The technical learning here is really not full-on lor. It feels like Uni alright. It doesn't feel like a full-on cinematography/camerawork course.

We do everything ourselves! I've done like producing, editing and blah. It's great to learn about all roles. But when it comes to make equipment decisions, I really am lost! What the hell..

Up to now, nobody will (or maybe even, nobody should) give me a proper shooting role in a film because my learning has been so varied and not in-depth enough. I really don't have the credentials yet, even if I'm glad that every project I've done has really been dependent on me. It's really purely independent, low-budget student filmmaking. I have nothing else to count on whatsoever.

It'll be nice to get some real credentials and structured camera training. But after this, I don't suppose I'll go professional at all. What will happen to this production 'dream'. It's really not easy to be a 'fixture' in production. How can I keep taking on the same role in every production. Who makes available such a role every now and then. Seriously don't know how I can get into production. May depend on who I can get to meet.

And I'm no producer. So I have nothing that I can do left larh. Girl should go and be editor or producer, or just maybe, director? Don't know whether I can become any of that, or if starting from writing and meeting people through that is going to suit me as a starting point.

I can't do this.

I can't start on my elective presentation.

I want to focus on my short film shoot. I have to learn the usage of this damn cool camera. I have to organize the shot list.

How could I do my presentation. It's worth 20 per cent in total. Group work.

I really just want to put all of my time into this final student film project.

I'm tired enough as it is, and just can't get down into it! What a terrible thing to have to leave aside the stuff my mind is on, and try to care about doing other things. Haha.

The shit hits the fan now.

And I need to set up a new blog.

I feel bad towards Sinema, and want to go back to spending more time on that.

Oh hey, my blog is now out of the internet search results! =)

My schedule just got flooded this week, bursting at the banks. Ha. Funny. Not.

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Too many interesting distractions on Facebook! Ahh! Not good! Not at this time. Dear me, please stop it. Please do your work. There is no time for other things now. There will be time to 'kaypoh' about people on Facebook in a couple of weeks. So please remember that. Thank you, me.

-_-"

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Damn! I should have never mentioned my name here! Ridiculous! Took that post back into draft status and not as 'published'. Would this blog still appear in searches?

I've changed blogs because of this! Just because I want to keep this pretty anonymous! Nobody needs to know about this blog, besides the people whom I personally tell! Jeez. I like posting on the net, but doesn't mean I want it to be so easily found.

Stupid saved memory searches! Can't I take that back? That's it. I'm moving.

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And I dislike Presentation Week. There's more than one.

My response to my Lit text Jane Eyre in what was supposed to be 50 words :)

Jane Eyre is a protofeminist because she exerts her independence regardless of consequence. Discuss.

"I've never thought of Jane Eyre as being irresponsible.. So I don't really think she doesn't think of the consequences of her desire for independence. The book didn't give me the impression that she is selfish.. Nor is she only thinking of her independence? She's a very 'people' person, that's what I think.. She wants to be around people who accept and love her.. I can't think of much of a decision she has made on her own accord that was rather forced upon other people, except for the time when she left Mr Rochestor. It would seem like she's protofeminist for only wanting to marry Mr Rochestor when she became more independently financially.. But her leaving Mr Rochestor caused her to suffer just as much as he did, and maybe even more.. She almost died out there, eh.. So perhaps yes, she was so bent on leaving that she didn't even care if she could die.. That's kind of disregarding the consequences.. And yet, she has good enough reason to leave Mr Rochestor.. The book drops hints that marrying at the time when Bertha was alive would have been a rash decision, not just because it would be a blight to both their reputations, but also because the presence of Bertha might have been a obstruction to their love for each other even.. Mr Rochestor didn't seem very emotionally stable at that point.. I think it was good for Jane Eyre to have left for just a year.. Comparing to what might have happened if she stayed, I'd say that her leaving helped to prevent much turmoil as a married couple had they married earlier.. So no, I don't think she's protofeminist.. I still view Jane Eyre pretty much as a romance novel.. Haha.."

I went on a short film shoot. It was a war film. What an idea! Very different to have gone on this shoot.

This is such a time when I would wonder why I want to leave Melbourne.

I haven't been on a film shoot for my own Uni course for the whole of last semester! 6 whole months. Lol. I was on shoots for both semesters last year, and then this semester.

I want to keep going on production.. As a student! What the hell. =/

I love it, the crew, the cast, all working together. All funny and cool people. Most cooler than I am. But I talk to them, and heck, people are so great on a film shoot that lots of people come talk to me even when I am shy. But I show how I'm absolutely glad to be part of a group effort, and I don't shy away from people completely there, because I get so interested in watching people, you know. I like making guesses about people's lives. Probably comes from my interest in detective stories and stuff.

I even fall in love with the actors, directors all the time. It has happened before! Haha. It's not that serious, but I'm telling you, the ones I have a serious crush on, and really remember over the times I've had in Melbourne (and maybe once in Singapore even), they are the people I've met on a production set. People open up there, they're funny, they're cool, they're amazing. Cooler than me even perhaps, know more things than I do. But that doesn't matter. Obviously I'm always learning, and can't be the greatest. And I'm proud of myself whenever I throw all the unnecessary things about what one knows and one doesn't, and talk to people like we're all just the same, we're all just good people who want to be on that set to get a little something out of it. Do I have to convince you much more how these group efforts are the most amazing thing I experience with people? Hah.

Why, why would I leave Melbourne? There's lots happening here. But don't know if it can be called a career path at all. If I don't leave Melbourne, I'd never get 'anywhere'. But isn't it amazing to be random sometimes, and have one thing lead to another?

I wanna go home and spend time with family.

Where will I go again after I go back to Singapore for a while?

Where is there a story or just something that only I can do. I don't mind doing something small, but where will I make a difference. Where will these production efforts make a difference in my life, and make a difference to what I learn.

Melbourne, I will miss you.

I don't need like lasting happiness or what not. I mean, my family makes me feel safe and happy. And obviously, if only I could find someone to love and someone to love me for how simple I am and slightly crazy as I may be, that would be the greatest. I would stay. But happiness right now is knowing whatever I work for is going to be worth it.

This actor had the word truth tattooed on his wrist. Apparently, cause that's what I overheard someone commenting about it. I talked to him too. Lovely people. Him too. Haha. Well, I just talked to him when I managed to corner him to offer a cup of tea because I was sort of runner and assisting the producer for the day. Metres away in a makeshift house/shed from the muddy grounds on which the film was being shot. I was on the shooting grounds on the previous day, but they lacked the person who was stationed in the shed for the next day so I took her place.

I think I found a new, great position in which I can talk to people. Corner them for an offer of coffee/tea. Great vocation. It's hard to speak to people when it's not on a more personal basis.. I don't even know enough of that 'cool speak' to keep offering new stories about what I've come across to keep going anyway. But I do know a little about offering ideas about the impressions I get from what they've come across and what I have.

How could I give up production. Even if I'm usually the runner. How could I give up production here.

So, I was on The Edge film shoot. With coursemates like Elliot, Emma, Sean, Jonathan, Josh, Ke, Chris, Hoon and cast Patrick, Michael, Brenton. And I've not revealed that this is my blog, but yeah, there was me, ---. (Oh no oh no, I've censored my own name now. If not can just search my name and this blog can easily have its privacy invaded.) Lol. If anybody should search for the film shoot someday, perhaps you'll find this post here about what I'll always remember from the day.

Truth. Hell, yeah.

Sooooo BUSY!

xD

Film shoot very early tomorrow morning!

And it's not even my film shoot!

My film shoot still got to plan for lar... Jialat...

And still got stuff to write! Somemore this time cannot plagiarize!

x_x

Jialat right....

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Guess what. I had a can of Smirnoff Raw Berry vodka, and now I'm ready to sleep at 12 midnight. So early. Lol. Helping someone's film shoot tomorrow mah.

Good leh! Next time go Woolworth's alcohol corner there, buy some more back. LOL. I was surprised the guy at the counter didn't ask for my ID.

One by one larh.. Easy, easy... Nice to drink leh.. Haha. Otherwise I might not even be sleepy now~

Why is everybody so busy anyway?

xP

It's week 8 of semester.

Sweet song.

Irish band Bell X1's music is really good music! =)

I feel like I'm filled with more life whenever I watch something good, or read something good. I've gotten quite into reading my Literature text, Jane Eyre. Haha. So I'm always going to blog about these things. I don't have to blog about just where I've gone.

For those things, there could be photographs or what not. But for these things, the things that give us a glimpse of life in an intangible way - These things come from within us, and establishing an understanding of these things is not going to be wholly possible through external means like that of taking a photograph.

This is why Facebook is not enough.

Lolllle.

The Japanese youth film All About Lily Chou Chou will always be a movie that I greatly admire. The depths of feeling that it calls for... Wow. Just one of the greatest films I've seen.

A couple of films make me go all gaga when they're just so full-on the whole way. Lol. Like how my senses were all totally overwhelmed by Baz Luhrmann's (director of Moulin Rouge!) Romeo + Juliet, and Spanish film The Motorcycle Diaries, as directed by American director Walter Salles. It's about the journey (across South America) and memoirs of Ernesto Guevara at 23 years old, who would become internationally known as Marxist revolutionary Che Guevara.

Anyway, all these films are mad. Madly good. Explosion of sight, sound and feeling. They're fantastic.

I don't know when's the time to come across films like this. It just happens. Once every couple of months. Hehheh.

"The film received a standing ovation at the 2004 Sundance film festival." -- Wikipedia entry for The Motorcycle Diaries

I borrowed a DVD copy of The Motorcycle Diaries when its cover caught my eye at the RMIT audio-visual library, lying at a slant against the bookshelf holder on the bottommost shelf. I didn't know what exactly it was all about, but the scenes on the travels looked great on the cover, and it sure is great.

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All About Lily Chou Chou and Quentin Taratino's Kill Bill have one same song on their film soundtracks. Cooools.

Now my housemates no fun already! I hear upstairs the people chat quite a lot.. I also got chat with my new housemate lar.. But I miss my old housemate from Malaysia! And I miss the Indian couple and Sri Lankan guy, bcoz we used to have meals together too! That was fun and interesting.. Too bad they all move away, and I'm the one who has stayed the longest in this flat worhhh.

It's damn suay to live with a closeted weirdo. I usually like weirdos very much, but this one doesn't even care to be nice. He's just lost in his own world. What a bummer!

I think I know liao. BJF's short films do not make me feel much like a S'porean. E. Khoo and the couple who made Singapur Dreaming, you still roxxx. Lol.

Still really need to see his feature film.

And the Little India film provides some food for thought.

It takes me a total of 2 days at minimum (pacing and everything included) to write something perfectly well. I wannaaa spread out my time. Why does it feel like I'm in a job already? Haha. So jialat everytime break is over, and it's back to work routine. What to do right. I've hardly even learnt about the socializing part that has to come with the job yet. But then I hope that since my intern company is now treating me well, maybe I'll be having a nice time there with what looks like a small-scale team, if they do hire me when I go back. =)

Almost done with my review of the SFF in Melbs. Wait for it! =)

Omg. The narrative idea of Black Swan is so massively scary. There is nothing nice about it. It almost makes me think of ways in which the world will end. Lol. I don't stand by ideas like these. I definitely have my positive views of human beings. But then this film looks like it will be another classically well done movie. Director Darren Aronofsky. Starring Natalie Portman. This film is all about darkness, narcissism, lesbianism yada yada. It's about dangerous ballerinas. See what I mean when I say such a movie hints about the end of the world. It's even worse than a fall from grace. Lol. Darren Aronofsky's movies can really be so apocalyptic.

The dangerous ballerinas idea is brilliant. It's new. It reminds me of dangerous clowns. Then again, the story of The Red Shoes is not new. But man, I will look out for this movie.

I don't really like it when people indulge in their idea of art too much. Yes, it looks good. To me even, I admire that it looks good. But I'm wary about identifying someone as an auteur just because he/she has a clear idea what he/she wants and likes.

I never could get round to making a film about what I have always wanted. I don't know. Is it just me. Is it just because everybody's background is different, hence we all end up wanting all these different things. I want understanding too. So why don't I get round to making a film in order to be understood. No. Would I do that. Perhaps to me, a film is not a platform for expressing all the individual experiences of mine. I can't do it like I'm writing a diary. I won't do it that way. I'd rather keep writing my diary. Things keep changing. And I can't keep making films just to keep up. As I said, for the moment, I'd rather write. I don't want to throw myself into doing a film because another film will probably develop in my mind in the midst of it. Haha.

My experiences. So far, they're just not enough. I have a lot of feeling for being in this world. I keep all my senses keen all the time. And it just isn't enough yet even for film to capture all the little experiences I'm going through. Could it be that I'm not experiencing enough. Hopefully not. I definitely have my own stories. I definitely have people I care about, and am thankful for, and they are the ones I count on to be with me. I 'leech off' these people. They satisfy my need to feel like this is my life; they are part of my life. Like Julia Roberts mentions in the trailer for Eat Pray Love, such people and things give us our "appetite for life".

Right now, even film is not enough for me. Heck, I don't even have the resources to do a proper film. But right now, even film is not enough. I'll just keep writing. Maybe I won't ever need to actually do it? I'd be happy to just get my foot in the door, of course. If people will come along and teach me, I'd willingly learn. But I just don't care much about 'authorship'. So what if a person has a certain individual style and themes? Of course, that is their accomplishment, and I still have a lot to learn from watching their films too. But, I don't know if I particularly care about authorship. Originality to me, means a whole new level altogether.

I am very particular. About things that I've seen. I don't rave about the many things I've seen unless the feeling just grows and grows in me, and I believe that this is truly something quite out of this world, and quite new. If you have your style and if you have your themes, good for you. If the films are pretty, that's very good too. But I don't know what else I can say. It's simply your way of working with the medium. Yes, that is your own individual way. You've established your way of working with the medium, but what else have you added to the medium?

I don't know. I'm a fussy-pok. Lol. I don't know what I'm saying. But I guess, I need to see something that is more than the medium, and more than the message. Yes, more than the medium, and more than the message. If I always know what I'm supposed to see in your films, doesn't the sense of authorship become a little bit dead and dry? Obviously, the idea of authorship is centered on what the auteur thinks and sees, but auteurs in the history of cinema never made the films about themselves and just their lives. They could embody their own vision within the context of a wider vision.

That's all from me tonight! Ciaosu.

I know now. I like mysteries.

Sometimes life loses its mystery. How could that ever happen.

I may seem unrealistic. I may seem to wax lyrical. But what of it. I mean well. I only mean to keep my eyes open, and express all of these feelings, because if I don't do it with my own self, how could I do it otherwise. I am like that. I am forthcoming. I just am. Sometimes words themselves don't even do the trick. And then I shut up, and calm down, and work on doing something instead. But the world is really not enough. Lol. How could we quieten ourselves. We are thinking and feeling beings. Through my outrageous thinking and feeling processes, I am trying to 'do this world and its ever-flowing current of life justice'. Lol. What the fish. Nonsense.

It's a crazy world. Artists don't make it any less crazier. It's just not possible.

How do you want me to be happy? How do you want me to be kind? I can't be happy and I can't be kind all the time. Even though I usually am.

I hope I don't ask for too much. I'm just trying to be me. And I do know how to 'be kind, rewind'. I'm just a little bit crazy, a little bit bored, a little bit of everything. I am already considered a really common person. But if you see something in me, and can accept me for trying to be, (hey it rhymes), pls understand that I occasionally waste time in doing non-productive things like writing something out of nothing on my blog, only because I also wish to talk about things other than everyday life. We are already living it, why would we still create the same then.

Maybe I'm not living enough. Or maybe I believe I've already been living enough according to my everyday standards, and now's the time and here's the place for me to talk about things besides of everyday life. So, there you go.

Perhaps. Perhaps, I am a writer. Perhaps, this is my voice. I am not confident about it. So, will you help me out or not?

Ha.

Is there anything to it?

Help me to make something out of it. Help me to make something out of my life, and this life. Nobody likes to feel like they're doing something on their own. And this - This is the root of my desire to be kind. My desire to find stories. Though life can be a let-down. And life can be so dull. Do you think I'll wish to talk about the dull things though. Talk about something that just goes around like a viral ad? Nope.

I know how I waste time too. Lol. Never keep up with the real world enough. Well, I'll balance the time and manage somehow.

And here's something else about me.

I can be a cry-baby okay. I want to be a cry-baby, I should be allowed to be a cry-baby. Because I'm a young female. Because I'm growing up. Because crying doesn't do anybody harm, and its does a lot of good for females. All females should have the privilege of being a crybaby. Their privilege of having the weapon of tears should be made official. LOL. It helps us to deal with insensitivity from people of the opposite sex who just don't understand. HA.

Maybe insensitivity sometimes pushes me to aim higher. Maybe I even 'belong' in a 'duller' society which is however, still rooted. I'm leaving Melbourne, heading back to Singapore. Even if it's going to be dull, I've had enough of 'all life is just made of days and weeks of pleasure'. (But perhaps, it's still going to be this way. I should learn to pleasure myself more.) Anyway it's time to stop studying. I do need my boundaries. Boundaries advance a person's wish to progress.

I'll lose some things, but I'll gain some. I intend to gain.

I can't do much in a place where it's all about chasing a lifestyle. I need to be where I have developed an understanding. Lifestyle alone - anywhere will do. An understanding - you need the right people for that.

And I'm soooo evil to say this, but having a parent around (here in Melb!) can be kind of distracting. Lol. It's not just me who thinks so right! It's nice to have my own space in Melb. I am thankful to my Dad for providing it. Ha. I will learn to provide for myself best as I can. I will miss this space that I have in Melb! I am lucky to have had this bit of space for myself. When I go back SG, how arh. Make over my room. I can tell someone else everything about my endeavors and all, but really, I suppose that I should be the one to really understand what I'm doing for myself. In terms of job conditions, and in terms of what I even wish to do for myself. According to however much/little I have managed to discover about my area of specialization. And learn to make those choices within that scope. That is all there is to talk about this.

I've always been like that. Liking dramas and films for their imagination. Liking blogging. Being unmotivated about doing things that don't involve my idea of 'fun' - I always thought fan-fiction was the most fun, and that both involves drama and writing. I work on these things. They are more than just 'fun' for me if you can understand what I mean. I'm serious about what I do. I hope I haven't changed.

I am depressed.

I'm sorry, I can't help it!

My Dad is in the shower, and I don't wanna go into one of my long-winded rants again right now. Oh, Dad is done with the shower now! Censor. Read below!

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This will be short.

I thought to myself.

I've never really been taught to chase my dreams.

Never really received that kind of guidance.

But of course, it's understandable.

I'm gonna type some crap here so as to move the page up, as I don't want dad to peek on what I'm writing.

I'm

not

complaining

about

anything

much

at

all

here.

It's just - I watched a great movie today.

It was eye-opening.

A movie shot in space by some of Nasa's crew.

That is the stuff of dreams.

And I thought of another thing.

A random quote.

From a film by that SG filmmaker Boo Junfeng (whom I've already mentioned here on my largely film-centric blog of course).

"I fucking cried siah." "Serious?"

I'm watching the short film with this quote this coming Weds.

What I mean to say is.

When one feels a great emotion, it makes one glad, and yet sad at the same time.

That is that.

Why does one end up coming online to record down these things instead of airing them verbally instead. But, I believe in the importance of noting the things I've experienced right here on this blog.

I'll come back to this one day. I know I will.

Well, I watched something good.

And I'm not that depressed.

That's all for now. Ciaos. :-)

Now I hate that my course chose Jane Eyre. And Shakespeare's The Tempest. Lousy choices.

I just bought Jane Eyre. It's thick. And not as interesting as I thought it would be.

Really. Uni work is not all it's hyped to be. Lol... Not while I'm wishing to graduate as soon as I can. Not when even J K Rowling has said she felt like she had better things to do than to be at Uni. I have a feeling a number of my course mates aren't exactly still excited about this last semester either. Oh well.

I know what I have to do.

Random thought.

Bitter Humor. Do you reckon it's a really in thing right now? Well, I kinda like it... It's just interesting. These opposing ideas.