I doubt myself too often.

But I won't anymore.

I will get back on my feet, and keep climbing.

Because there are better things to do and accomplish than constantly doubting myself.

It's far too tiresome to have self-doubts and unanswered questions running through my head all the time.

So.

No more of that.

And no more of looking at what other people have done, and I haven't.

It's also tiring to make comparisons. The world is too varied for that.

It would only mean I don't have enough confidence to accept that other people can always do better than me.

If I were really to be confident, I will know that anytime from now, I can learn to become even better than this.

I can learn to become even better than I have become.

I will always learn to become even better and better.

I'm discouraged today.

It looks like it would have been better for me to have worked under fierce and unreasonable people, than to have worked under someone who was always MIA.

Through almost sinking, one learns how to swim.

But I've still been learning.

I'm still good at my job.

I just need more time. As I've been told. And it's not that I disagree.

But I swear it's weird to now understand that it is a good thing to work under unreasonable people.

Not like I had a choice. It's just pure luck.

What a messed up line of work this is.

But it's also not that I should become like one of these barking, fierce, unreasonable people.

I have been told that there is the part I should not pick up from them.

So, what then?

I swear that I will make my way. I don't care how 'successful' I become.

But the thing is. I'm going to make it count.

I'm going to be a strong director. One to be respected. Not one to be haggled with, nor taken as some psycho.

Today, I realized that it is difficult to work with people who are too insecure. That may just be the root of all the problems that they cause. Or like, generate due to their insecurity. It just grows.

For once, I can say that I'm bored of sitting in front of the computer!

But it has been a couple of weeks since I have had plenty of time to do that.

All the time I want to sh*t, sleep, eat, read. All the verbs that have one syllable, and soft consonants.

Consonant. I knew I don't forget words I've learnt before that easily. Someway or other, words always find their way back to me.

Well, obviously I left out a very large part of my activity right now. Which is, Watch TV.

I'm sure it doesn't sound like much.

But I'm pretty determined to make whatever I'm thinking about everyday come to some sort of good use.

Even if they only result in words and more words. All but words.

Today, I realized a little something.

That I click to read news on the TNP faster than I would to any article found on Straits Times.

Does my interest generally lead me to articles on TNP?

That doesn't mean that I'm the TNP's regular reader, but perhaps I like to read about the little details.

Perhaps I feel less connected with big worldwide news stories which I don't feel immersed in, because that is not the immediate environment I am in?

Then perhaps today I have learnt that I would prefer to research on local stories than on international ones.

So my name's going on Discovery channel as assistant producer!

I guess, I am happy about that.

But on the other hand, I still feel so very very tired.

Did I quit too early?

Will I ever find a better place to be?

I've been disinterested in things.

Is that how I should be?

Of course not.

Was I less disinterested before?

I think so. I'm a 'keen' girl in a way too. Very accepting. Very keen to take things on.

But what happened to the beat of my heart? Haha corny thing to say

Now I hold back more than I leapt forth. Like I wanted to control myself more than to show myself.

Geez.